Unnoticed.. or is it?

I think now.. is the perfect opportunity to sit down and write about my life lately...

God has been teaching me to trust Him. In ways that I didn't think He would.

It is funny because at the beginning of the semester, I was telling my roommate how I don't really mind serving people and they don't notice it, or make recognition of it.  But I do hate, however, when people disrespect and act as though I don't do anything for them.

That's kind of how being an RA gets sometimes.  I was talking to one of my prayer leaders today and it got to being close to 1 AM and she's like ahh I need to go to bed and do work! Sorry for keeping you two up so late.  And I told her how me and my roommate haven't been to bed before 2 AM pretty much all semester.  And she's in shock because she didn't know. 

Yep. The first time I think that I've been in bed before 2 all semester was when I went home for fall break.I have so many responsibilities that have to be done...  that going to bed before 2 just isn't an option.  That's my job.  I'm totally fine with it.

My job, has put me in a position of being disrespected.  Directly and indirectly.  To my partner.  To the people on my team.  You name it.  I have never in my entire 20 years of living, felt so disrespected.

But the thing that has bothered me the most is everyone's excuses for their inability to do something because they are "busy".  It actually makes me laugh... because they have absolutely no clue what busy is.  Sometimes I want to just say "uh you're an underclassman.. and you're busy?  Please explain some more why your life is so busy."  I want to go through a list of everything that I've had and have to do with my life on top of school.  It's difficult. 

But instead, I just listen.  And boy does that take some humility to listen to all the "nonsense" these people have to say and do without responding.  I never realized exactly how prideful I was until this semester.  Yeah, I knew that I had some issues with pride, but man, I never really realized HOW much of it was actually there. 

I take pride in my work in the way where I want it to be respected. You don't need to tell me I've done a good job. Just don't disrespect it. So to be in a place where that area is being violated, I have truly been able to see how prideful I really am. 

My job as being an RA is simply a job that sometimes go unnoticed by people looking from the outside.  Yes, I knew coming into the position that it would be like that, but I never knew the actual severity of it.

And when I say that I was humbled by the aspects of things, I mean it.

God has reminded me the importance of trusting Him.  Beyond my arrogance and beyond my pride.   Beyond the feeling that things would just be right if I personally took action.  Beyond the feelings of wanting to punch someone in the face or give them a spanking.

God has reminded me that this job... is not for me.  This job is to honor and glorify Him.  Through my words, through my actions.  Through my thoughts.  This job is not to gain friends.  This job is to gain followers of Christ.

This job does not go unnoticed 

 Then I think about it and am reminded just a little further....

This isn't YOUR job.  This is YOUR ministry. But most importantly.. this is MY place to work, not yours.

 
God really encouraged over the course of the past few days and honestly, I feel so much more at peace about how things are going instead of just feeling stressed out or scrambling around trying to solve them on my own. 

Again, I have been humbled...

-Quayla

RA adjustments

It's been almost two months since I have written a blog.  There have been so much going on lately and I really don't know where to start. Good things actually.

As an RA, God has been doing some awesome stuff in my life.  I remember starting out being nervous about this position. It was like I just knew I was going to make a mistake. Ha.  However, I am actually adjusting really well.  Still learning about things here and there, but for the most part, I really love being one.  I am greatly humbled that I have this position because I do not deserve it.  The fact that I am being used as a vessel by God has truly blessed me.  It's been amazing for one how I've been able to develop a relationship with the girls on my hall.  Trying to spend some time with them individually.  While I've always been the type of person to know a lot of people, I can't really say that I've had as much of a valuable relationship with people like I do with most of the girls on my hall.  While there are some that I'm still working on in a way, I'm still pretty excited that I'm getting through to them.. even the ones that I least expected. 

Being an RA is like being a mom. Honestly, I do feel like a mom.  If the girls accomplish anything, I have this pride in them like any parent would.  I want to spank them, but I want to be there for them when they're going through anything.  (I'm somehow still trying to figure out how to emphasize with them better. But I'm sure it'll come). On the spiritual standpoint, I truly understand why my relationship with God is so important in this position.  It is emotionally and spiritually draining.  I've caught myself more emotional about things that I'm rarely emotional about.  Spiritually, I've noticed how much more I need to spend time with God, through His word and definitely through prayer.  I've learned why it is so important for us to pray for others.  The girls of my hall needs prayer.  There are so many emotional things that each girl is going through in some way.  Sometimes I wish that I could help them, but I know that the best thing that I can do for them is to be there.. and to pray for them.  I have been able to see the changes take place already and I'm looking forward to seeing how great things will become at the end of the school year.

Roommate wise.  Honestly.. I have to say that my roommate Morgan is by far the best roommate that I've had.  I did have a great roommate freshman year and she is still a pretty great friend of mine now.  But having Morgan as a roommate has been great on so many levels.  For one, I do feel as though we can talk about spiritual things more so on a conversational level than a preaching level.  For the past two years, I've felt as though I was preaching whenever I mentioned something spiritual.  We seem to have a pretty good dynamic partnership wise.  I'm glad that I'm able to learn from her as an RA and as a person.  We haven't had any conflict. I haven't been angry at her or had any complaints.  Its been awesome so far.

But this past month, I have begun to learn so much more about God. So much more about my relationship with Him.  I've learned how to pursue Him better.  I've probably mentioned it before, but I've come to learn that I needed to be more transparent with God.  Yes, I know that He knows everything already, but when I'm able to confide in Him emotionally, it develops the trust that I need to have for Him.  It's been shockingly easy for me to start.  Especially because of the minor details that I somehow can't really talk to anyone else about. Yet, God still is there to understand how I feel and still looks at me the same.  I think that, along with building my empathy levels is my top thing to work on this school year.  I think that my transparency with God and my willingness to change things, will get rid of all the boundaries that could arrive.  I'm excited about learning more about Him through my own personal transparencies. 

Well, that's a mini, choppy update of my life.  I'm going to try writing more later.

-Quayla

This... Homosexuality...Uproar?

I can tell you up front that I'm not the type of person that argues.  I do like to make my opinions known and have discussions, but if I have to make a flat out argument with someone, I try to avoid it completely as much as possible. So when it comes to arguing with spiritual things. I immediately pull into the "seriously?" mode of things when I see arguments.  Christians argue with other Christians.  Christians argue with non-Christians.  I'm kind of like Rodney King... "Can't We All Just Get Along?"

Well, before I take a stance and reveal on my personal opinions, I like to view both sides objectively.  Both cases of things.  

A few days ago, the CEO of Chick-fil-a made a statement supporting the fact that the company was against the LGBT movement. Ever since then, there has been a firm disapproval from LGBT supporters of the company, which ultimately seems to pose a threat to the company in itself.  Homosexuality is a big deal for the Christian community. So for the past four years (namely after Obama was elected), the vocal volume of the biblical stance of homosexuality has been magnified. After Obama made a public statement about his support of homosexuality, I have seen more and more fb posts of disapproval for homosexuality and more and more fb posts of approval for homosexuality.   Actually putting themselves in a position to start an argument on both sides.  

The thing that gets me thinking the most is that both sides tend to intentionally instigate arguments.  For one, the LGBT community and its supporters know for a fact that Christians and Christian companies are by no means supporters of homosexuality.  So for them to continue asking a Christian what their views on it is, for one is very audacious and stupid.  EVERYONE knows the Christian stance on homosexuality.  So why ask something that you already know the answer to? But the thing that most Christians do is act as though the LGBT community and its supporters do not know about their stance.  It's like they force feed the issue as being the only primary moral issue that we are dealing with as a country.

 As a Christian, I have been in that place where knowing someone was a homosexual was a freaky thing for me.  It actually stroke fear for me as a kid.   Yes, as a Christian, I firmly believe that the act of homosexuality is wrong.  But, like any other situation that I approach, I have to first put myself in someone else's shoes.  If I were dealing with homosexuality, how would I want someone to minister to me?  I think we all really should think about it (honestly) in that way, it could ultimately put us in a better position to minster to others.  

So I'm going to take the time to emphasize here. The thing that I had to learn is that homosexuality can be and is a serious struggle. I wouldn't necessarily put it in the category of a mental illness, but it ultimately can be like one. I do believe that the devil in some form established it to be like or appear to be like a genetic.  Like a baby can be born with a birth defect. Some people tend to adapt with their surroundings and the trait just develops over time.  I don't necessarily believe that it could be something that every person initially chooses to have. But of course without truly clinging to the saving grace of Christ, a person can easily fall into that lifestyle.  Then there are some people who just blatantly choose to have the lifestyle and don't even think to try to resist it.  But ultimately, "born" with it or not, acting on homosexuality is a decision. 

I think as an African American, I can somewhat identify with what it feels to be ridiculed, or told that I can't do anything because of the color of my skin. I have been told to my face that it was a sin to be in an interracial relationship.  I have been talked about or treated like I was an inferior because I was black. Even my "romantic" relationships are placed on the back burner because of the color of my skin.  The thing that is so crazy is that I haven't even gotten a TOUCH of what it was like 40-50+ years ago when I couldn't even use the same bathroom as a white person. Being an African American then was like being a homosexual is now. Homosexuals are beaten, cursed at, told that they're going to Hell, killed, treated like outcasts, and the like.

Disclaimer: I'm not by any means saying that the situation is similar.  But this is the closest thing that I could think of at the moment to use to express my point.

While I do believe that we as the Christian community should take a stance on our opinions about Homosexuality without wavering, I do believe that we should also take just as much time to evaluate our own personal pride.  Are we fighting against this just to prove that we are right in God's eyes? Or are we doing this because we genuinely love them and don't want their blessings from God to be hindered?  Remember, we are no more or less deserving of Hell.  The only difference is that we have made the decision to open up our hearts to God and let Him work and move in our lives.  That's the most important thing.  More than converting someone from being a homosexual to a straight person.  Yes, the most important thing that you can do for a homosexual is offering them the opportunity to come to Christ.  You can't change them, God can. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you want someone to minister to you if you were in that situation? If they jump off the back and told you that you were going to Hell or that you were the cause of all things bad, would you be accepting?  Don't be the reason why someone pulls away from Christ. 

I think that with the moral position that our country is in, this is the perfect opportunity for the body of Christ to come out strong and win souls for Christ.  But in order to effectively do that, we have to get our pride out of the way.  Pride is a very serious thing and until we get a grip on it and get rid of it, we will put a stumbling to our effectiveness in ministry.

In all of this though, I am really glad that we have the opportunity to experience the saving grace of God.  

-Quayla

Trust

I wanted to write a blog.  I have a feeling that my opportunity to actually write one will be very minimal once school starts.  But who knows.  It may not be.  But I'm sitting here at the computer, struggling to keep my eyes open, with absolutely no idea where I should even begin.

I feel as though this summer has been one of those summers where I feel mentally crazy. Basically because of the major shift in lack of work from the school year.  The summer is where I do a lot of overthinking/analyzing. Becoming a lot more emotionally sensitive (which is not a good thing because I'm the type of person that holds it all in.  The Summer is when it just all explodes if I have nothing to do). I feel as though I develop a minimal filter to things. I get very irritable.  Can't think straight. The list goes on.

But on the positive note, in the summer, I always end up evaluating myself so that I can begin working on and improving into the school year.  It's kind of been interesting how it's been working out because while there are things that God loudly tells me that I need to work on next, there has also been things that He just began to work on without letting me know.  Ha then when He's actually started chiseling away, I realize that I've actually had a problem in that specific area.

My problem area of the Summer: TRUST

Don't get me wrong, I have trusted God a lot. But I'll honestly say that I thought that I trusted Him a lot more than I did think. When I analyze, it's kind of obvious where I didn't trust him though. I would try to think about every possible means that I could personally do to establish myself with security instead of trusting God with it. If you look back to a previous post, you'd see that I sat down and tried calculating what I'm going to do for grad school. Stressing myself about it to the core.  Not wanting to be a 22 year old living with her parents.  And not wanting to be asking her parents for money, having to deal with the adult conflicts or having to answer to another adult.

This summer, I have learned how to trust God in a completely different way.  With everything, especially my emotions.  It's kind of crazy because I actually started living out the fact that God actually knows everything about me instead of just "knowing" that God knows everything about me. The awesome thing is, that He doesn't treat me any differently.   So I thought to myself, "If God already knows everything I'm dealing with, my thoughts, my dreams, my desires,  why do I struggle with telling Him full blown details about my life?"   I mean, I have always told God about things that I'm going through.  But I have to be honest and say that they were very general things.  Like I pretty much do with everyone else.  If I do somehow confide in someone, I wouldn't really give them details, I'd just be like " yeah, this is going on.  It's crazy, but I know that God has everything under control"  But then when I go to God, I wouldn't really say much of a difference "God, I'm dealing with this. So I know You have everything under control and You know what's going on.  So just take care of it."  It's not necessarily a bad thing.  But I do believe that I lacked the intimacy with my relationship with God as for as confiding in Him goes.

I got to the point where I seriously needed someone to confide in completely, not sugar coating or giving partial truths.  Someone who I could confide in and in return was going to tell me the truth, but not make me feel like a complete failure in the process.  Someone who was going to enhance me and not tear me down. I didn't need to confide in someone who was just going to be like "okay." or "I see."  I didn't need someone who was just going to tell me what I wanted to hear.  I needed someone who was going to tell me what I needed to hear.

Instead of me giving God a "general" idea.  I started to get a lot more specific in my conversations with Him.  "God, this is going on.  It makes me feel this way.  I want the result to be this way, but I really don't know if that's something I should want, etc."  Haha I think when I got down into expressing to God explicitly what my feelings and emotions were, I've broken through that barrier that was blocking the progression in our relationship.  I think through all that, no matter how things were emotionally pressing me, I've just known that I could come to God about it. He won't laugh at me. He'd listen to me and then answer me in return and tell me what I need to do.

It's absolutely amazing to know that God is not like mankind.  I can't tell you of a single person that I know that I could tell all of my struggles to and they won't look at me or think of me like I'm crazy. Or wouldn't hold it against me or wouldn't get irritated with my talking about the same thing over and over.

This is why I'm overwhelmed with the love of God.  He never ceases to love me through everything I'm going  through.

-Quayla

Two more weeks

I head back to Lynchburg in a mere two weeks. Everything is just soaking in.  I'm about to become an RA. Officially.  But I think over the Summer, I've had the opportunity to reflect on what that really means.  For once, I want to do something for someone else, where I put my own personal interests and well being aside. These 40 girls are my priority and responsibility for the next 8 months. 

I'm really excited about getting to know these girls. Excited about investing into their lives, on a personal and spiritual level.  Wow, is it seriously pulling in that closely?

My family is leaving for Jamaica on Saturday morning, so I think I will be spending a good portion of next week brainstorming, looking for craft ideas for name tags.  Throwing ideas through my partner, Morgan for the year, hall activities, budget, etc. RHLM's, Hall Meetings.  My mind is spinning from the possibilities. 

I think this is actually the perfect time to plan, start putting things together, etc. 

AHH Exciting!

-Quayla

The Cons of Excessive Planning

It's kind of crazy at how much of a planner that I am.  I am a firm believer in balance.  So I do think that everything is good in some form of balance, at the right time, and the right place.  At the same time, I think that everything can become bad when it becomes excessive. Some things more than others.  So when it comes to my level of planning.  I think it has gotten into a state of obsession. Something that I'm learning to control and balance out.

So here's my "latest" planning problem:

I'm going to be a junior next year. Meaning, I have a year and a half to study and prepare for what to do after graduating.  Options: 1-> work.  2 -> Go to grad school.

I think I'm going to most likely go through option 2.  It's not necessarily a bad option at all. However, I am in charge of basically getting myself there.  I will have to pay for it, everything.  The thing is, I don't really know where I should go.  The options that I have rally are VCU and Liberty. It will be so much cheaper for me to go to either one.  I really don't think it would come to be any more than $5k per year. So that would be $10k all together.  Which is doable.  I have a pretty good savings plan for the next two years. I would believe that after graduating, I would have about $6k saved.  But that doesn't really include other possible work that I will get money for here and there.  The thing that I'm thinking about is that it may just be better for my pockets.. if I did grad school at VCU.  Got a small apartment and (possibly some roommates to keep the costs down).  In a pretty nice area outside of the campus.  There I could get a loan to pay specifically for school and then have the money saved to get a jump start on living expenses and possibly getting a partime job.

Job options seem to be pretty doable. I could be a graduate assistant at VCU considering my grades and resume look good (which will be pretty nice after I will have completed two internships and the work that I have with my dad this summer).


Then of course there's the GRE/GMAT. I looked through the GMAT and I couldn't even get through the math section.  It's going to take a lot of time and preparation. I haven't looked through the GRE yet. Though, I do think that I should do it soon.


Going to Liberty is a good option.  I don't have to take any exams either.

So the fact of the matter is, I'm sitting at this computer for HOURS researching something that I really don't have to "worry" about for another year. I know it's good to be prepared, but I do think that this is a little out of control.

I don't exactly live by my planner, I just somehow have it written down somewhere on a peace of paper or in my head.  I'm constantly thinking "this needs to be done, this needs to be done". Then if something doesn't go as planned, I just feel as though I'm going to have a nervous breakdown or something.  One day, I want to just go a week without planning a thing.  Just up and do something whenever I need to.  But then I'm sure when I decide to do that, it would be the wrong time to do it.

Well, I will get it under control.  Haha I guess I just can't help it sometimes.

-Quayla

Called to Lead

I am two books behind on my blog list (ha I'll get to that hopefully within the next few days).  But for some reason I had the urge to post about this book that I'm currently reading, Called to Lead.  I usually wouldn't write a post about it until I completed it.  Truth is, I'm not even halfway finished the book.  But I really would like to share a few things here and there that I have learned thus far.  I think that this book just may require several posts from me.

The crazy thing about this book is that before I even really paid attention to the title, I decided that I would take more time this Summer studying Paul's Epistles.  I was in the starting process of reading through Acts in my quiet times while reading through the other books that I had on my reading list in my leisure times. My original plan, I believe, was to read Called to Lead last  (The words were just so small on one page lol).  So far, I read the entire Hunger Games Trilogy, and The Way of the Shepherd. I was started to read "Not a Fan". However, some things changed around and I decided to crack Called to Lead open.  When I picked up the book, I realized that the subtitle was "26 Leadership Lessons from the Life of the Apostle Paul".  I was definitely excited because it went with exactly what I was led to do this Summer in my quiet times: Study different leaders in the Bible, taking note of the things that they did right and wrong, and then applying them to my leadership style so that I can grow as a leader.  I firmly believe, especially through reading this book, that Paul is probably one of the most important leaders to study. This book has definitely given me the guide that I needed.  

So far, God has definitely revealed to me that things that I am strong in as a leader, as well as the areas of my life where I am weak.  I think its funny that God has actually started working on those specific things with me before I even got the book.  Take empathy for example.  I struggled with that most of my life. I used to feel as though empathy was a weakness lol. This year, God has definitely helped me become empathetic, but with a balance.  Knowing when it's needed, and when it's not.  

God has also revealed to me that there are going to be areas in my leadership style that other people are not going to like. I've learned that my particular leadership style includes my association with people that don't necessarily have the same relationship with God that I do. Especially a few of my friends. They're struggling with sin and somehow are pulling away from God.  I learned that loyalty is a quality that I need to have.  I need to make sure that I have those friends that are there to continue to build me up (iron sharpens iron).  But then, I still need to maintain the friendships with those people that simply, aren't there.  Ha I believe this has been something that my parents don't really like that much.  I mean, I've kind of been that person to just hang out with anyone, and it just so happened that a lot of the crazy ones enjoyed spending time with me.  Basically because I am transparent, but at the same time, I tell them like it is.  I've never actually argued my reasoning with my parents.  The opportunity to discuss it with them never came up either.  I don't necessarily believe that is is right to argue things that God is telling you to do.  You can discuss the differences, but arguing is a completely different matter.  I may never actually share that with my parents.   But it is interesting at how there may just be differences of opinions. 

Then I think God has also revealed to me that although I'm a leader, I need to respect the leadership of others, even if I don't agree with it.  I don't necessarily have that problem too much until I feel as though my parents are establishing something ridiculous.  I automatically place myself in the criteria that because I'm "20" that I don't exactly need to follow the instructions of my parents.  I get frustrated because when I'm at school, I can simply take a 3 hour trip somewhere anytime I want.  Then when I'm home with my parents, I have to ask a few days in advance just to drive out 20 minutes. I often decide not to go anywhere because I would rather not have to ask for permission.  I'm the "experimental" child, so my parents have not necessarily had an adult child before, so they have no idea of where to "let go".  But despite my frustrations of it all, I have to still respect what they want while I'm home. 

I think this may be a little choppy here and there.  But I really wanted to share what I've been learning so far.  I'm looking forward to continuing on with this book.  God is definitely shaping me up to being a great leader.

-Quayla