Trust

I wanted to write a blog.  I have a feeling that my opportunity to actually write one will be very minimal once school starts.  But who knows.  It may not be.  But I'm sitting here at the computer, struggling to keep my eyes open, with absolutely no idea where I should even begin.

I feel as though this summer has been one of those summers where I feel mentally crazy. Basically because of the major shift in lack of work from the school year.  The summer is where I do a lot of overthinking/analyzing. Becoming a lot more emotionally sensitive (which is not a good thing because I'm the type of person that holds it all in.  The Summer is when it just all explodes if I have nothing to do). I feel as though I develop a minimal filter to things. I get very irritable.  Can't think straight. The list goes on.

But on the positive note, in the summer, I always end up evaluating myself so that I can begin working on and improving into the school year.  It's kind of been interesting how it's been working out because while there are things that God loudly tells me that I need to work on next, there has also been things that He just began to work on without letting me know.  Ha then when He's actually started chiseling away, I realize that I've actually had a problem in that specific area.

My problem area of the Summer: TRUST

Don't get me wrong, I have trusted God a lot. But I'll honestly say that I thought that I trusted Him a lot more than I did think. When I analyze, it's kind of obvious where I didn't trust him though. I would try to think about every possible means that I could personally do to establish myself with security instead of trusting God with it. If you look back to a previous post, you'd see that I sat down and tried calculating what I'm going to do for grad school. Stressing myself about it to the core.  Not wanting to be a 22 year old living with her parents.  And not wanting to be asking her parents for money, having to deal with the adult conflicts or having to answer to another adult.

This summer, I have learned how to trust God in a completely different way.  With everything, especially my emotions.  It's kind of crazy because I actually started living out the fact that God actually knows everything about me instead of just "knowing" that God knows everything about me. The awesome thing is, that He doesn't treat me any differently.   So I thought to myself, "If God already knows everything I'm dealing with, my thoughts, my dreams, my desires,  why do I struggle with telling Him full blown details about my life?"   I mean, I have always told God about things that I'm going through.  But I have to be honest and say that they were very general things.  Like I pretty much do with everyone else.  If I do somehow confide in someone, I wouldn't really give them details, I'd just be like " yeah, this is going on.  It's crazy, but I know that God has everything under control"  But then when I go to God, I wouldn't really say much of a difference "God, I'm dealing with this. So I know You have everything under control and You know what's going on.  So just take care of it."  It's not necessarily a bad thing.  But I do believe that I lacked the intimacy with my relationship with God as for as confiding in Him goes.

I got to the point where I seriously needed someone to confide in completely, not sugar coating or giving partial truths.  Someone who I could confide in and in return was going to tell me the truth, but not make me feel like a complete failure in the process.  Someone who was going to enhance me and not tear me down. I didn't need to confide in someone who was just going to be like "okay." or "I see."  I didn't need someone who was just going to tell me what I wanted to hear.  I needed someone who was going to tell me what I needed to hear.

Instead of me giving God a "general" idea.  I started to get a lot more specific in my conversations with Him.  "God, this is going on.  It makes me feel this way.  I want the result to be this way, but I really don't know if that's something I should want, etc."  Haha I think when I got down into expressing to God explicitly what my feelings and emotions were, I've broken through that barrier that was blocking the progression in our relationship.  I think through all that, no matter how things were emotionally pressing me, I've just known that I could come to God about it. He won't laugh at me. He'd listen to me and then answer me in return and tell me what I need to do.

It's absolutely amazing to know that God is not like mankind.  I can't tell you of a single person that I know that I could tell all of my struggles to and they won't look at me or think of me like I'm crazy. Or wouldn't hold it against me or wouldn't get irritated with my talking about the same thing over and over.

This is why I'm overwhelmed with the love of God.  He never ceases to love me through everything I'm going  through.

-Quayla