I Don't Deserve It

As I was going through the white gloves and checking out students for the school year, I've begun to reflect and think about the great things that God has done in my life; Just by being a Resident Assistant alone.

Me being a RA at Liberty is a position where I am constantly humbled and reminded of the goodness of my Savior and His willingness to use me despite my imperfections.  I do not, by any means, deserve to be in this position whatsoever.

I've mentioned it to a few people here and there, but while there were a few reasons to contribute to my decision to come to Liberty, becoming an RA was the forefront.  I had the opportunity to hear in High School about how Liberty prepared their students for leadership, especially their RAs.

Growing up, I have been told constantly that I had the ability to be a great leader. Though at the time I didn't really see it, I knew that I needed to fine tune my leadership skills because, somehow, the Lord wanted to use me in a leadership position.  So as I looked at my two options: Liberty and VCU (and up until the last minute, I was strongly considering VCU), I decided that Liberty was the place that I needed to be and that was why.

Again, I will tell you that even though I am now considered a "seasoned" RA and this is a primary reason why I chose Liberty, I still do not deserve the position.  I'm pretty sure there are better qualified people for this job.


While I believe that God placed me into this position to impact others for His glory, He has placed me into this position to work and develop me.

 If I ever come across a time where I feel as though I do deserve it, you should just punch me in the face, I'll definitely deserve that.

Well, the purpose of this post is to share exactly how the Lord has shaped and molded me to become a better servant of Him, a better person, a better woman, a better leader, and a better follower. I would actually say that I have developed more into the person that God wants me to be in this one year, than I have in the past 21 years of my life.


Well to begin...

I learned that I couldn't do this position with my own strength

The responsibility of being an RA is much different than being one at any other school.  It is unique and it is physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally draining.  There is no possible way that you can do this job without spending the necessary time in the presence of the Lord. Requesting His help in every area. To be honest though, there were some times where I felt as though I had to do so much on my own to make sure everything went right on the hall. Especially when it came to relationship building. While I was able to spend a lot of time in the Fall Semester building relationships with the girls on my hall, I was not able to spend nearly as much time with them in the Spring due to an internship and taking a class where we made a short film.  I've practically been running around all semester. I would get very little sleep and even though I only have two classes in class, I was not on the hall nearly as much as I was last semester.  Then when I was on the hall, I would probably be doing work of some kind. It frustrated me because I felt as though there were so many opportunities that I was missing out on in my girls' lives. But for some reason, those relationships stayed, and I was able to develop better relationships with those I didn't think I would have.  That is not something that I could've done by myself and I was stupid to think that I could.

I learned how to Love. I mean, really love.

The two years prior to becoming an RA, the Lord had worked so much in my life and was able to teach me about the magnitude of His love for me. I had serious self-esteem issues growing up, so the Lord managed to take those two years to overwhelm me with His love.  I didn't know that my understanding of the depth of the love of God would have impacted the way that I poured out my love towards the girls on my hall.  Love is more than just a feeling. Honestly, there were some girls that were on my hall (and even some that were not on my hall) that were just simply difficult to love.  I feel as though I experienced in some regard what it was like to love as a parent.  Some of the girls that I've had interactions with were just tough and it was like they did not want to be loved.  But for some reason, regardless of the issues that I've had with them, I still cared for them and still treated them with respect. I still prayed for them. In turn, I have witnessed where my continual willingness to love each girl on my hall had brought forth fruit and they began to be on the right track.

I learned the magnitude of why it is so important to work towards your character development and having the confidence in knowing what your character is.

I don't think I can express clear enough the importance of character.  As a matter of fact, in the beginning of the school year, we went through an evaluative process with our leadership team and we grasped the concept that "character makes you a leader worth following".  I'm not going to say that I went through this whole year without making character mistakes.  Trust me, I'm not a perfect person.  But I have allowed the Lord to mold my character to being a reflection of Him.

There have been a number of issues where my character was attacked and I had to make the decision on how I was going to respond to it.  One I would say had to deal with the presidential election. While I personally choose not to express my political views, I have been treated badly simply because of the color of my skin. I was not happy, especially because everyone had their assumptions of what I was going to do.  There were so many times where I had the right to respond back to it. I would have had the right to explode and I had the exact words, the facts, you name it, to say that could shut any person up.  I actually never said anything until I was respectfully asked about certain issues and why they were important (if they weren't for me, then for others).  I made an effort to implement the importance of character to my girls.  The night of the election, I spent over an hour talking to my girls and letting them know that regardless of who they voted for, that they needed to be respectful and that Christ was still on the Throne. I don't know if it helped any, but it was an area where I know if I didn't care about my character, I would have been a poor example to not only the girls on my hall, but a poor example of Christ and I definitely would have driven people away from Him.

I learned to communicate better.

It's a shame. I'm a communication studies major that doesn't communicate well.  But I've always been a pretty general, abrupt person. I didn't really enjoy having long conversations with people. Then if I wanted a task done, I would communicate it in a way that I would personally want to hear the instruction.  I honestly did not realize it was that bad until I came home for Fall Break last semester.  I was home for maybe a few hours and my mom goes "hey, this RA thing must be doing something, you're communicating so much better!" ha (Really mom? lol) My parents and I went through so many battles simply because I wouldn't communicate with them in a way that they understood. It led to so much confusion and them thinking that I had so much more issues than what I really had or completely oblivious to the issues that I really did have. Me learning how to communicate better has actually helped not only with my interactions with people overall, but my family as well.

I learned how to gain respect correctly through intentionality and personability.

RAs were required to read Called to Lead over the summer. It pretty much went through the life of Paul and pinpointed attributes that he had that made him such the great leader that we still look towards today. While reading the book, I managed to get an understanding that in order for me to be worthy of being treated with respect, I need to make those who are under my leadership feel as though they are worthy of respect.  This came from building relationships with the girls, developing a track record and them understanding what my stances were. At first, I realized that I came off as a very serious person. I honestly think that the girls were scared of me or something. I was pretty quiet (like usual). Didn't poke much fun.  But then I managed to learn the importance of being personable and intentional.  That was a big jump for me because

- 1. I don't like pushing myself towards people.  If someone doesn't want to hang out with me or makes the effort to be my friend, I don't push it nor worry about it.
- 2. I don't like telling people about personal things in my life.  I'm usually a pretty private person.  Especially when it comes to my emotions, the things that I'm dealing with, etc.

Well, I put my preferences aside and jumped in. There have been so many times where I've told my roommate that I don't usually didn't tell people the stuff that I've told them, but I decided to tell them so that they can understand that I respect trust them and that they can find a way to learn how to trust me. It worked because there would be some nights where I had something exciting to tell a few of the girls and then we'll have something to laugh about.  The process helped developed a relationship.

I learned how to effectively discipline.

I'm the oldest of four kids.  A lot of the times, when I want my siblings to do something, or if they didn't do anything right, I would yell at them. I was very bossy and controlling. Pretty much a "it's my way or the highway" kind of approach.  The thing that I was lacking was the development of relationships. I didn't spend a lot of time with my brother and sisters. I spent most of my time doing what I had to do and then expected them to do things for me when I didn't show them that I cared about them at all.

Becoming an RA allowed me to see that as a leader, discipline is more likely to be accepted when you have established the relationship with them.  I took the time to develop those relationships and when it came to disciplining, I was able to and they received it well (most of the time at least haha).


I developed a respect for my parents

I don't even know where to begin.  I had a very surface level respect for my parents in High School.  I mean, the only reason why I didn't do a lot of crazy things was because I knew my parents would beat me up. However, I managed to sneak my way through attitudes and manipulation, you name it. I would get so mad with my parents and I couldn't wait for the day where I could move out, be on my own and not have to worry about answering to them. I just felt as though all their requests were unreasonable and pointless.  Well, after being an RA for about a month, I had some "come to Jesus" meeting.  I was heavily convicted and was placed in the position where I (in some regard) understood what it was like to be a parent, exactly why they enforced the things that they have, and why they disciplined me.  It wasn't for their own satisfaction or pleasure.  It was because they were looking out for me and foresaw the pattern that I was headed if I kept acting foolish. Once I realized this, and I went home for breaks, I have done so much apologizing. It was like, every little thing I could think of. Ha especially when I started having to pay for gas. =p

I learned to be more transparent with the Lord

I said earlier how I'm usually a very private person. Well, I was even like that when it came to my relationship with the Lord.  When I would pray, I'd often address the situation and go "well, Lord, you know what's going on" and end it with that. Over the summer, the Lord convicted me about it and told me that I didn't trust Him in the way I should have been (calling, career, life path, etc.).  I've written a blog post about it, but I had to become more transparent with the Lord on an emotional level.  This whole year has basically been me and the Lord focused on my emotions.  Trust me, they have been challenged more than ever this year too.  But for some reason, the Lord has managed to be able to reveal more things to me this year about what He has planned for my life in the future.  I had to give up some goals and dreams for it, but I wouldn't have been so willing to do it if it weren't for me taking the time to become transparent with Him.


I learned the importance of keeping the Sabbath

I think if there is any kind of advice that I would give someone about spiritual things at this moment, it would definitely be to keep the Sabbath.  I kid you not, even though we had the most chaos in the Fall Semester than in the Spring, I was not stressed out much at all once I made the decision (after being encouraged by Ana), to keep the Sabbath. It fell off during the Spring semester due to my weekends being filled with either work or filming.  It was one of those things where I had suffered so much from not keeping it. Especially after being informed about keeping it.  It is something that everyone needs to do. I have seen and experienced in my own life where the Lord honors it being kept.



Well, to close, I have to say that the Lord has done so much chiseling in my life.  Not just on the spiritual level. I could still go on (I've clearly ranted enough).  He had used my leaders to pour into my life and has personally poured into my life and taught me so much. But among all these things, I am truly blessed that He had placed some awesome girls in my life!  They were not only my "students", but managed to become my friends. I don't know what I would have done this year or where I would have been without them.  I probabl y would not have been able to write this blog.  I know that it is the responsibility of the RA to impact the lives of the girls on their halls, but I feel at this moment that they have impacted mine even more. I love these girls dearly and I am truly excited about hearing how the Lord is working in their lives over the Summer! =)

-Quayla

Digging Deeper

There is so much that I could say.. so many unfinished blogs that I need to complete.

I'm getting closer to the point where the Lord is leading me to share my testimony.  I know that the timing isn't just yet.

I'm getting closer to the point of knowing what my calling is... it's just not yet.

I'm just not really sure why, but lately, I have been swarmed with so much information that is opening the door to allowing me to have a new and deeper understanding of the Lord and His sovereignty. Again, I am finding myself humbled and overwhelmed by the fact that God loves me so much and is entrusting me with all this information that so many people miss.

The information that I have been learning.. is convicting. It's offensive. But, it's... constructive. It's the kind of information where I need to remove all fear to express and share it. It's something where I know this summer, I will have to and want to spend countless hours researching and engaging into the Word for what it really is.

I think however, that this is what the Lord has been preparing me for.  For me to question so much and then bring people into my life that is answering every single question.. backed up through scripture. That is what amazes me more than anything. I'm at the place where I am receptive to learning everything there is to learn. Correctly.

It's a time where I think all of us should sit back and truly examine the Word of God for ourselves. Start over from scratch. Forget what we were "taught" and just dig deeper for ourselves.  So many questions would be answered and so much deception would be done away with.

I know that this blog is pretty short.. But I wanted to at least share just a little sneak peak of what is going to come on the blog in the future.

I Gave It Up

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ"

"The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I’m tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him"

"At one time all these things were important to me. But because of Christ, I decided that they are worth nothing. Not only these things, but now I think that all things are worth nothing compared with the greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of Christ, I lost all these things, and now I know that they are all worthless trash. All I want now is Christ."

Philippians 3:7-8 (I provided three different versions)

I'm sitting here writing this note and my body is in chills. 

This semester, my RA partner and I are taking our leadership team, and hall through Philippians 3.  We're breaking it down verse by verse and digging deep into how to actually apply it to our personal lives. Not just looking at the verse and being like "oh, yeah, I know about that!"  But really taking the time to examine our lives and allowing the Lord the work.

The week that we went through verses 7-8, my team had a discussion about Paul.  How his life was seemingly something you'd think was worth bragging about.  In earlier verses of the chapter, Paul expressed how he had the "right" to have confidence in himself. "I was circumcised when I was eight days old. I am a pure-blooded citizen of Israel and a member of the tribe of Benjamin—a real Hebrew if there ever was one! I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law.  I was so zealous that I harshly persecuted the church. And as for righteousness, I obeyed the law without fault things that we surrendered to God." (5-6).  If you're not familiar with what this meant historically, this was a BIG deal. Again, Paul had the right to be proud.

But then Paul gets to verse 7 and 8 and he's like, "yeah, that's pointless. No big deal." I kid you not, the Philippians had to have been like, "You idiot! That IS A BIG DEAL." When it came to application, we talked about what were areas in our lives that were a big deal for us and how have we allowed our relationship with the Lord to take priority over that specific thing (if I'm explaining it clear enough).  I shared briefly about the areas in my life where I have done it and where it has brought me. But since then, the Lord has expounded so much deeper.

I want to let you know where this is headed...

While I could go into detail about every little thing that I'm involved in and am known by, I'll stick to one area because it has been the most important part of my life. Everyone who knows me knows that I am a HUGE sports fan. I'm naturally a soft spoken person, but when it comes to sports, I'm yelling, screaming, you name it. It gets pretty embarrassing sometimes.  Especially when I read sport news and make a comment about it to a girl on my hall.  They're clueless! Sports also make me more emotional than a guy could.

I've grown up playing basketball and was the stereotypical female basketball player.. tomboy with the cornrows. My parents spent thousands of dollars for me to play and pursue my dream of one day playing college ball and eventually play in the WNBA.  I love the game and everything about it.  But I also heavily enjoy football and have developed a new love for baseball and hockey. Growing up though, basketball was my life. Everything seemed to have gone in the right direction too.

But I went through a stumbling block..  I've told people the general idea about it, but not very many people heavily know the details.  I tore my ACL in the 8th grade. While tearing your ACL is pretty common and is usually only a temporary set back, mine was different.  I went to the ER the day after tearing it and was told that I only sprained my knee and my hamstrings were probably weak and I needed to strengthen it. I was told that I would be fine in about 3-4 weeks.  About five weeks passed and I started playing basketball again.  My knee was weak and would give out some, but I thought it was strictly due to my hamstrings being "weak". I strengthened it during the offseason.  Long story short, I played my entire Freshman year of HS with a torn ACL. That one year has caused problems to where now, I currently do not have a medial meniscus in my right knee and have been told by my doctor that I currently have arthritis. 

Basketball was my identity. 

Growing up, everyone knew that basketball was my thing. I would say that my HS freshman year was my prime.  I have been able to hold my own defensively against seniors who have committed to D1 schools. I foresaw that I would continue to improve and by the time I hit my senior year, I would have schools flocking for me.  Looking back, I noticed that basketball, sports in general was my idol.  It was what I served. When I had to physically give it up, I didn't know what to do since it was my identity. I played my junior year, but I decided that I wasn't going to play my senior year due to a second surgery to remove my meniscus. I could've played, but I realized that it wouldn't have been very smart.  At the start of my senior year, I had been contacted by two schools to come for recruiting, and to come to my games.  Having to type that e-mail stating that I wasn't going to be playing basketball in my senior year because of a pre-existing injury crushed me.  It was hard.  

At that moment, I decided that I was definitely going to give up sports when the time came for me to. I started to make adjustments to take interests in other things besides sports, including photography.  I graduated and enrolled into Liberty as a journalism major. I had my life planned out to how I wanted it done. But for some reason, I knew it wasn't what God wanted me to do.  In my freshman year at LU, I would often be asked "what do you want to do with journalism?" My response: "Well, I want to do sports, but I don't think that's what God wants me to do, so I'm just waiting."  

I decided to get the wise idea of asking the Lord to work on my patience and my obedience. I am the BIGGEST planner.  While I'm flexible with spontaneity and could deal with it, I don't like it.  I have planned my entire four year course plans in my freshman year. But when I asked the Lord to reveal to me what He wants me to do with my life, He literally made sure that I learned to be patient. He told me where I was going to go to college later than when I wanted to know. He even told me to change my major from Journalism to doubling in Broadcasting and Public Relations at the last possible semester. I have to admit, it was frustrating.  I constantly used the complaint "God, I don't want to be doing something that I'm not supposed to be doing to help advance Your kingdom! Tell me asap please!?" To this day, I don't know exactly what He wants me to do. He's leading me, and I'm following and I don't care if I look stupid. 

Well, while I was seemingly "waiting" for the Lord to tell me what He wanted me to do with my life, I allowed Him to take control over my desire to pursue sports and told Him that when I needed to give it up, I will. Because of my willingness.. the Lord has managed to keep me involved in sports. My freshman year, I was on the hall with girls on the track team. I wrote for the sports section for a semester with Liberty's newspaper.  I did camera operation for Hockey games. I was a Prayer Leader last year and am now a Resident Assistant for the hall that houses the Women's basketball team. Right now, I have an internship with the Athletics Marketing department.  I utilize my hall theme, which is "Not a Fan" (not being fans of Christ, but completely committed followers of Him), around the idea of my approach towards sports.  Because I was willing to give up sports for so long, the Lord has still somehow managed to use me to minister to others through it. He's using me, and I'm growing.

But as my junior year is beginning to close and as I repeatedly referred back to Phil. 3:7-8, the Lord finally asked.  

"Quayla, are you ready to give it up?" 

At the beginning of February, I had every intention to remain an RA for the Women's basketball team and pretty much knew that I had priority to my request since I was a returning RA.  I wanted to do my Broadcasting internship with the Athletics department. Everything was going to be great for my senior year.  But then the week or two before RA placements were going to be made for the 2013-14 school year, things did not go as expected and the option to move to a different part of campus arose. I have to admit, I was a little reluctant to "definitely" making that decision.  I just told 3 different RDs that I was flexible and I could really go anywhere so that I didn't have to make the decision for myself.  

In the end, I got placed to where I need to be next year. Though it will be a major adjustment for me, I am more than excited about it because I'm doing it because God told me to. I'm doing it because it is an avenue that is bringing me soo much closer to Him. You shouldn't expect to grow in your relationship with the Lord when you're being disobedient.  Even now, as I'm in the process of preparing for a hall theme next year, I've been instructed by Him to not associate it with sports by any means.  

"Quay..... it's time to give it up."

I have had so many clear encounters with the Lord telling me things, but this by far was the most clear.  It's not that I need to remove myself from enjoying sports, it was just time to give up having it as such a large portion of my life.  The interesting thing about it is how it has all started to manifest in very noticeable areas:

Especially as March Madness has started.  Last year, I spent HOURS researching and formulating my bracket.  This year, I spent all of 10 minutes.  Other than attending/working Liberty sporting events, I have not watched a single college basketball game this season. 

Even as I'm looking for my Broadcasting internship, I'm not going to pursue one for sports and I'm perfectly fine with it.

Sports is insignificant. My accomplishments through sports is insignificant.  My love for sports is insignificant.

For something to be so dear to my heart, I never thought it would be this easy. 

I....gave...it..up.

Unnoticed.. or is it?

I think now.. is the perfect opportunity to sit down and write about my life lately...

God has been teaching me to trust Him. In ways that I didn't think He would.

It is funny because at the beginning of the semester, I was telling my roommate how I don't really mind serving people and they don't notice it, or make recognition of it.  But I do hate, however, when people disrespect and act as though I don't do anything for them.

That's kind of how being an RA gets sometimes.  I was talking to one of my prayer leaders today and it got to being close to 1 AM and she's like ahh I need to go to bed and do work! Sorry for keeping you two up so late.  And I told her how me and my roommate haven't been to bed before 2 AM pretty much all semester.  And she's in shock because she didn't know. 

Yep. The first time I think that I've been in bed before 2 all semester was when I went home for fall break.I have so many responsibilities that have to be done...  that going to bed before 2 just isn't an option.  That's my job.  I'm totally fine with it.

My job, has put me in a position of being disrespected.  Directly and indirectly.  To my partner.  To the people on my team.  You name it.  I have never in my entire 20 years of living, felt so disrespected.

But the thing that has bothered me the most is everyone's excuses for their inability to do something because they are "busy".  It actually makes me laugh... because they have absolutely no clue what busy is.  Sometimes I want to just say "uh you're an underclassman.. and you're busy?  Please explain some more why your life is so busy."  I want to go through a list of everything that I've had and have to do with my life on top of school.  It's difficult. 

But instead, I just listen.  And boy does that take some humility to listen to all the "nonsense" these people have to say and do without responding.  I never realized exactly how prideful I was until this semester.  Yeah, I knew that I had some issues with pride, but man, I never really realized HOW much of it was actually there. 

I take pride in my work in the way where I want it to be respected. You don't need to tell me I've done a good job. Just don't disrespect it. So to be in a place where that area is being violated, I have truly been able to see how prideful I really am. 

My job as being an RA is simply a job that sometimes go unnoticed by people looking from the outside.  Yes, I knew coming into the position that it would be like that, but I never knew the actual severity of it.

And when I say that I was humbled by the aspects of things, I mean it.

God has reminded me the importance of trusting Him.  Beyond my arrogance and beyond my pride.   Beyond the feeling that things would just be right if I personally took action.  Beyond the feelings of wanting to punch someone in the face or give them a spanking.

God has reminded me that this job... is not for me.  This job is to honor and glorify Him.  Through my words, through my actions.  Through my thoughts.  This job is not to gain friends.  This job is to gain followers of Christ.

This job does not go unnoticed 

 Then I think about it and am reminded just a little further....

This isn't YOUR job.  This is YOUR ministry. But most importantly.. this is MY place to work, not yours.

 
God really encouraged over the course of the past few days and honestly, I feel so much more at peace about how things are going instead of just feeling stressed out or scrambling around trying to solve them on my own. 

Again, I have been humbled...

-Quayla

RA adjustments

It's been almost two months since I have written a blog.  There have been so much going on lately and I really don't know where to start. Good things actually.

As an RA, God has been doing some awesome stuff in my life.  I remember starting out being nervous about this position. It was like I just knew I was going to make a mistake. Ha.  However, I am actually adjusting really well.  Still learning about things here and there, but for the most part, I really love being one.  I am greatly humbled that I have this position because I do not deserve it.  The fact that I am being used as a vessel by God has truly blessed me.  It's been amazing for one how I've been able to develop a relationship with the girls on my hall.  Trying to spend some time with them individually.  While I've always been the type of person to know a lot of people, I can't really say that I've had as much of a valuable relationship with people like I do with most of the girls on my hall.  While there are some that I'm still working on in a way, I'm still pretty excited that I'm getting through to them.. even the ones that I least expected. 

Being an RA is like being a mom. Honestly, I do feel like a mom.  If the girls accomplish anything, I have this pride in them like any parent would.  I want to spank them, but I want to be there for them when they're going through anything.  (I'm somehow still trying to figure out how to emphasize with them better. But I'm sure it'll come). On the spiritual standpoint, I truly understand why my relationship with God is so important in this position.  It is emotionally and spiritually draining.  I've caught myself more emotional about things that I'm rarely emotional about.  Spiritually, I've noticed how much more I need to spend time with God, through His word and definitely through prayer.  I've learned why it is so important for us to pray for others.  The girls of my hall needs prayer.  There are so many emotional things that each girl is going through in some way.  Sometimes I wish that I could help them, but I know that the best thing that I can do for them is to be there.. and to pray for them.  I have been able to see the changes take place already and I'm looking forward to seeing how great things will become at the end of the school year.

Roommate wise.  Honestly.. I have to say that my roommate Morgan is by far the best roommate that I've had.  I did have a great roommate freshman year and she is still a pretty great friend of mine now.  But having Morgan as a roommate has been great on so many levels.  For one, I do feel as though we can talk about spiritual things more so on a conversational level than a preaching level.  For the past two years, I've felt as though I was preaching whenever I mentioned something spiritual.  We seem to have a pretty good dynamic partnership wise.  I'm glad that I'm able to learn from her as an RA and as a person.  We haven't had any conflict. I haven't been angry at her or had any complaints.  Its been awesome so far.

But this past month, I have begun to learn so much more about God. So much more about my relationship with Him.  I've learned how to pursue Him better.  I've probably mentioned it before, but I've come to learn that I needed to be more transparent with God.  Yes, I know that He knows everything already, but when I'm able to confide in Him emotionally, it develops the trust that I need to have for Him.  It's been shockingly easy for me to start.  Especially because of the minor details that I somehow can't really talk to anyone else about. Yet, God still is there to understand how I feel and still looks at me the same.  I think that, along with building my empathy levels is my top thing to work on this school year.  I think that my transparency with God and my willingness to change things, will get rid of all the boundaries that could arrive.  I'm excited about learning more about Him through my own personal transparencies. 

Well, that's a mini, choppy update of my life.  I'm going to try writing more later.

-Quayla

This... Homosexuality...Uproar?

I can tell you up front that I'm not the type of person that argues.  I do like to make my opinions known and have discussions, but if I have to make a flat out argument with someone, I try to avoid it completely as much as possible. So when it comes to arguing with spiritual things. I immediately pull into the "seriously?" mode of things when I see arguments.  Christians argue with other Christians.  Christians argue with non-Christians.  I'm kind of like Rodney King... "Can't We All Just Get Along?"

Well, before I take a stance and reveal on my personal opinions, I like to view both sides objectively.  Both cases of things.  

A few days ago, the CEO of Chick-fil-a made a statement supporting the fact that the company was against the LGBT movement. Ever since then, there has been a firm disapproval from LGBT supporters of the company, which ultimately seems to pose a threat to the company in itself.  Homosexuality is a big deal for the Christian community. So for the past four years (namely after Obama was elected), the vocal volume of the biblical stance of homosexuality has been magnified. After Obama made a public statement about his support of homosexuality, I have seen more and more fb posts of disapproval for homosexuality and more and more fb posts of approval for homosexuality.   Actually putting themselves in a position to start an argument on both sides.  

The thing that gets me thinking the most is that both sides tend to intentionally instigate arguments.  For one, the LGBT community and its supporters know for a fact that Christians and Christian companies are by no means supporters of homosexuality.  So for them to continue asking a Christian what their views on it is, for one is very audacious and stupid.  EVERYONE knows the Christian stance on homosexuality.  So why ask something that you already know the answer to? But the thing that most Christians do is act as though the LGBT community and its supporters do not know about their stance.  It's like they force feed the issue as being the only primary moral issue that we are dealing with as a country.

 As a Christian, I have been in that place where knowing someone was a homosexual was a freaky thing for me.  It actually stroke fear for me as a kid.   Yes, as a Christian, I firmly believe that the act of homosexuality is wrong.  But, like any other situation that I approach, I have to first put myself in someone else's shoes.  If I were dealing with homosexuality, how would I want someone to minister to me?  I think we all really should think about it (honestly) in that way, it could ultimately put us in a better position to minster to others.  

So I'm going to take the time to emphasize here. The thing that I had to learn is that homosexuality can be and is a serious struggle. I wouldn't necessarily put it in the category of a mental illness, but it ultimately can be like one. I do believe that the devil in some form established it to be like or appear to be like a genetic.  Like a baby can be born with a birth defect. Some people tend to adapt with their surroundings and the trait just develops over time.  I don't necessarily believe that it could be something that every person initially chooses to have. But of course without truly clinging to the saving grace of Christ, a person can easily fall into that lifestyle.  Then there are some people who just blatantly choose to have the lifestyle and don't even think to try to resist it.  But ultimately, "born" with it or not, acting on homosexuality is a decision. 

I think as an African American, I can somewhat identify with what it feels to be ridiculed, or told that I can't do anything because of the color of my skin. I have been told to my face that it was a sin to be in an interracial relationship.  I have been talked about or treated like I was an inferior because I was black. Even my "romantic" relationships are placed on the back burner because of the color of my skin.  The thing that is so crazy is that I haven't even gotten a TOUCH of what it was like 40-50+ years ago when I couldn't even use the same bathroom as a white person. Being an African American then was like being a homosexual is now. Homosexuals are beaten, cursed at, told that they're going to Hell, killed, treated like outcasts, and the like.

Disclaimer: I'm not by any means saying that the situation is similar.  But this is the closest thing that I could think of at the moment to use to express my point.

While I do believe that we as the Christian community should take a stance on our opinions about Homosexuality without wavering, I do believe that we should also take just as much time to evaluate our own personal pride.  Are we fighting against this just to prove that we are right in God's eyes? Or are we doing this because we genuinely love them and don't want their blessings from God to be hindered?  Remember, we are no more or less deserving of Hell.  The only difference is that we have made the decision to open up our hearts to God and let Him work and move in our lives.  That's the most important thing.  More than converting someone from being a homosexual to a straight person.  Yes, the most important thing that you can do for a homosexual is offering them the opportunity to come to Christ.  You can't change them, God can. Put yourself in their shoes, how would you want someone to minister to you if you were in that situation? If they jump off the back and told you that you were going to Hell or that you were the cause of all things bad, would you be accepting?  Don't be the reason why someone pulls away from Christ. 

I think that with the moral position that our country is in, this is the perfect opportunity for the body of Christ to come out strong and win souls for Christ.  But in order to effectively do that, we have to get our pride out of the way.  Pride is a very serious thing and until we get a grip on it and get rid of it, we will put a stumbling to our effectiveness in ministry.

In all of this though, I am really glad that we have the opportunity to experience the saving grace of God.  

-Quayla

Trust

I wanted to write a blog.  I have a feeling that my opportunity to actually write one will be very minimal once school starts.  But who knows.  It may not be.  But I'm sitting here at the computer, struggling to keep my eyes open, with absolutely no idea where I should even begin.

I feel as though this summer has been one of those summers where I feel mentally crazy. Basically because of the major shift in lack of work from the school year.  The summer is where I do a lot of overthinking/analyzing. Becoming a lot more emotionally sensitive (which is not a good thing because I'm the type of person that holds it all in.  The Summer is when it just all explodes if I have nothing to do). I feel as though I develop a minimal filter to things. I get very irritable.  Can't think straight. The list goes on.

But on the positive note, in the summer, I always end up evaluating myself so that I can begin working on and improving into the school year.  It's kind of been interesting how it's been working out because while there are things that God loudly tells me that I need to work on next, there has also been things that He just began to work on without letting me know.  Ha then when He's actually started chiseling away, I realize that I've actually had a problem in that specific area.

My problem area of the Summer: TRUST

Don't get me wrong, I have trusted God a lot. But I'll honestly say that I thought that I trusted Him a lot more than I did think. When I analyze, it's kind of obvious where I didn't trust him though. I would try to think about every possible means that I could personally do to establish myself with security instead of trusting God with it. If you look back to a previous post, you'd see that I sat down and tried calculating what I'm going to do for grad school. Stressing myself about it to the core.  Not wanting to be a 22 year old living with her parents.  And not wanting to be asking her parents for money, having to deal with the adult conflicts or having to answer to another adult.

This summer, I have learned how to trust God in a completely different way.  With everything, especially my emotions.  It's kind of crazy because I actually started living out the fact that God actually knows everything about me instead of just "knowing" that God knows everything about me. The awesome thing is, that He doesn't treat me any differently.   So I thought to myself, "If God already knows everything I'm dealing with, my thoughts, my dreams, my desires,  why do I struggle with telling Him full blown details about my life?"   I mean, I have always told God about things that I'm going through.  But I have to be honest and say that they were very general things.  Like I pretty much do with everyone else.  If I do somehow confide in someone, I wouldn't really give them details, I'd just be like " yeah, this is going on.  It's crazy, but I know that God has everything under control"  But then when I go to God, I wouldn't really say much of a difference "God, I'm dealing with this. So I know You have everything under control and You know what's going on.  So just take care of it."  It's not necessarily a bad thing.  But I do believe that I lacked the intimacy with my relationship with God as for as confiding in Him goes.

I got to the point where I seriously needed someone to confide in completely, not sugar coating or giving partial truths.  Someone who I could confide in and in return was going to tell me the truth, but not make me feel like a complete failure in the process.  Someone who was going to enhance me and not tear me down. I didn't need to confide in someone who was just going to be like "okay." or "I see."  I didn't need someone who was just going to tell me what I wanted to hear.  I needed someone who was going to tell me what I needed to hear.

Instead of me giving God a "general" idea.  I started to get a lot more specific in my conversations with Him.  "God, this is going on.  It makes me feel this way.  I want the result to be this way, but I really don't know if that's something I should want, etc."  Haha I think when I got down into expressing to God explicitly what my feelings and emotions were, I've broken through that barrier that was blocking the progression in our relationship.  I think through all that, no matter how things were emotionally pressing me, I've just known that I could come to God about it. He won't laugh at me. He'd listen to me and then answer me in return and tell me what I need to do.

It's absolutely amazing to know that God is not like mankind.  I can't tell you of a single person that I know that I could tell all of my struggles to and they won't look at me or think of me like I'm crazy. Or wouldn't hold it against me or wouldn't get irritated with my talking about the same thing over and over.

This is why I'm overwhelmed with the love of God.  He never ceases to love me through everything I'm going  through.

-Quayla