I'm usually a person that is pretty level headed emotionally. Even when I have some issues that I have to deal with, I've always been able to kind of leave it as that and go about my day to day routines without having them affecting me. However, as things have gotten to reaching deadlines and have a large amount of things pulling at me, I just had to work so much harder to tackle them and continue to do what I needed to do. To make the decisions that I needed to make with accuracy and clarity. Things have gotten overwhelming and stressful and I literally had no idea how I was going to continue on with things. Everything was just crazy.
To be honest though, there were those days that because of my stress levels, I began to devalue and degrade myself with my words.
- I'm a horrible person
- I'm ugly
- I'm a failure
- I have NO idea what in the world I'm going to do with my life. How could I be 21 years old and not know?
- I'm going to be graduating in a matter of months and I have no idea what to do next
- I should quit school
- I'm single with no prospects; no one would even want me. Why would someone be stupid enough to even want a relationship with me?
- I'm going to die alone
- What is wrong with me?
- Why couldn't I just have decided to be that person that made all kind of stupid mistakes?
- Can I just do anything wrong, once in my life and be okay?
The interesting thing is that a majority of the things that I began to think about and tell myself really had absolutely nothing to do with me being stressed or overwhelmed with my work. It was just an area of my life where I allowed the devil to talk to me and tell me things that weren't even true. To be honest, those things are stupid for me to even think.
It's interesting because being at Liberty, I am so submersed in a place where getting a college degree came with an engagement ring and/or a husband (I've wondered a few times if I would be that 30 year old woman with a nice job but was single). I am in a place where so many people already know exactly what God has called them to do before they stepped foot into the first class of their college career. I am in a place where people have lived lives prior full of their submission to a lifestyle and ultimately turned out to be okay and currently on fire for the Lord.
These are things that I have had to deal with throughout my time here. And at the moment, I am none of those people. I've never dated anyone while I was in college. As a matter of fact, I've never been on a date period. I was in an exclusive relationship once in high school, but it never really went past the whole aspect of "talking frequently" and just "claiming" that particular person as my boyfriend. So basically for most of my life, I've been single.
I've never really had much of a past. Yeah there were some things that I have done that I would definitely go back and change. However, I don't have that past or that "testimony" that everyone seems to have. I wasn't a partier, or drinker, or sex addict. I wasn't abused or molested. I wasn't neglected as a child. I had parents that loved and cared about me. Who had sacrificed so much for me. I've wondered what it would have been like if I actually decided to "have fun" like the rest of my peers did in college. Instead of being a studious person as well as going to a Christian school.
I've never known what God wanted me to do when I stepped in my first class on the first day of college. The only thing I knew was what He didn't want me to do (AWESOME! =\). I had no clear path set. It was frustrating.
Although some of these things were frustrating to me, well all of them were frustrating to me at some point or another, I was never truly affected by it when I got to college. I had made the decision to not date in college. When I got to my sophomore year, I already determined that I really was not going to be with anyone worthwhile there. Yes, while I didn't understand why I made that decision at first (and to be honest I know that God had done things in my life encounters to ensure that I wouldn't compromise in that decision), I came to the realization that my senior year was the very reason why I was single. While it is a really long story for me to share, I do firmly believe that God specifically made me single for the very season that I am in right now. Which heavily explains why I have experienced so much more opposition and attacks from the enemy in the places in my life where I appeared to be more vulnerable.
I knew that God was teaching me how to be patient and trust Him throughout my journey. While I really wanted to have a clear path, God had never left me in the dark confused and unsure about the directions that I needed to take. He has always proven Himself faithful and had revealed to me what I needed to do at the appointed times. It is crazy because as I'm sitting here taking the next course of action in my life, I feel as though God had clearly told me exactly what I needed to do in a further span of time than what He has told me throughout my entire time at Liberty. I have a plan for next semester, a plan for the next two years. Then a plan beyond that. The crazy thing about it all, is that for the first time, it was something that I fully believe that the Lord had revealed to me to do. While I don't know exactly every single solitary detail of each even and how I'm going to get there, I somehow know that this season that I will be entering in my life would be very fruitful. And I don't know if I will ever be able to fully comprehend the magnitude of it all.
Even though I don't think it is some days, I know that God had preserved my life for a time as this. Even though I haven't experienced things in the way that other people that I know have, for some reason, He was able to still use me to minister to others that have gone through things I haven't. He has somehow allowed me vulnerability with others and my openness to hear and develop relationships with them to be good enough. I know it's not me. At all. The craziest thing about it is how in my quiet times today, I came across Galatians 6:9-10
"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."
To be honest, I'm sure that I have come across this verse dozens of times and never had it really impacted me in the way that it has tonight. It is hard some days to not give into temptation. Especially at the age that I am. Where the people that I have grown up with are doing things that don't line up with the way that we've been taught. Where people give into their temptations and do things as though it doesn't affect other people. My generation is a generation that only thinks about the present instead of the future. Even though I do feel alone most days, I know that I will reap a harvest and be rewarded for not giving into the temptations that fly in my path.
I know this was super long, and I feel as though I should maybe stop here. I'm really excited about what the Lord has for me within the next few years and even within the next few months. I know it's great and I can't wait (well, I can ha)!
-Quayla
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