So I Have This Degree....

"I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus"

   - Philippians 3:14

I haven't really had the opportunity to blog nearly as much as I would have liked to over the past couple of years.  What can I say, being a double major and an RA has definitely took precedence over writing blogs.  But considering the fact that the only thing that I have to focus on at the moment is school,  I figured that now would actually be the best time to begin writing. It may be fairly random in some areas, but hey, at least I'm getting something posted! =)

It's been only a few days since I have graduated from Liberty.  I'm not really sure exactly what I was thinking when I decided to pursue two majors for my undergrad. To be honest, I probably wasn't thinking at all because once I decided to add becoming a Resident Assistant into the equation I absolutely had little to no time to do things other than spend time with the girls on my hall or doing my work for my classes.  (Let's just say I probably don't think that much as I also decided to start Grad school two days after graduation)

I came to Liberty not really sure WHAT I was going to be doing with my life.  I had no idea.  I started as a Journalism major.  But over the summer after graduating High School, I was debating between Accounting, Kinesiology,  and Athletic Training. My personality type is wired for Accounting or Engineering, but for some reason, those career fields did not feel right for me. Then somehow I thought I wanted to become a music minor at one point, which was a little weird. I also wanted to be a journalism major all throughout high school, but for some reason when I got to coming into college, I panicked and just wasn't sure about what I should be doing.  When I hit the first semester, I wasn't exactly sure if Journalism was what I should be doing.  When I got to my first semester of sophomore year, I realized that I shouldn't be doing Journalism at all. I switched the next semester. God planned it out well because I had changed to Broadcasting and Public Relations at the last possible moment to provide that I would graduate in four years.  For some reason though, I still did not know what I was supposed to be doing with my life. To be honest, I didn't figure it out until this March.

I have to say that my time at Liberty was definitely more business and ministry minded than pleasure.  I came to Liberty with a completely different mindset than most college Freshmen.  I had a mission due to these reasonings:

• First, no one in my family (on my father's side) had a Bachelor's degree.  If I worked hard, I knew that I was going to be the first. My parents, at my age going into college had me already and had to drop out of school.  My dad was the first in his family to graduate from high school and attend college I believe. I was going to be the first to actually finish. 

• Secondly, because I was homeschooled growing up,  the quality of my intellect was always questioned by my peers.  I was often directly called or it was implied that I was stupid. It would either hurt me so much or make me intensively angry. I always had to defend myself in regards to my education. To this day, when my intellect is challenged, I take it personally and it angers me probably more than anything else (which is interesting because I am usually a fairly calm person). For years, I wanted to prove those people that called me stupid wrong. To be honest, I believe that people calling me stupid fueled me more than anything else to finish my college degree.  It's funny, but true!

• Thirdly, I'm black. I really can go on and on about this. It can go in a combination of humor and seriousness. I have statistics against me. According to the numbers, I was going to get pregnant and have to drop out of school, among other things. I have told a few people throughout the time that I have been at Liberty the seriousness of me breaking a stereotype by being in an educational setting as a black female. We laugh about how mad I would get at the group of black people that would sit in the computer lab like thugs. Literally taking over the whole entire lab, sitting on the desks, etc. But at the same time, it was serious because some of those people still have not graduated yet and they've been at Liberty longer than I have, simply because they didn't take their education seriously. I knew going in that I had to try twice as hard in certain areas than most. I knew that I was often going to be the only black person in my classes. In settings like that, it is as though you are the representation of the whole entire black community.  It was as though all eyes were on me to represent the black community well.  To be honest, it kind of was because if something happened within the black community, I was the person that was asked about it. Because of this I had to make sure I communicated well, I couldn't sit in the back of the classrooms talking and being a distraction.  I couldn't be "ratchet" and loud when it was unnecessary.  I needed to take my work seriously. I needed to get good grades. But at the same time,  I needed to be confident in who I was and who God created me to be. I needed to make sure that I understood history and why things are the way that they were so that I can formally express why perspectives differ from culture to culture. Me being black is not a mistake. I needed to embrace who I was but also set the bar high for others to see that what I have done is indeed attainable.

But alongside all that, I have to say that I made sure that I took advantage of as many things that were offered to me as possible to complete all the goals that I had set for my college career.  During the four years that I've been at Liberty, I have served as a Prayer Leader,  a Resident Assistant,  a secretary for two clubs, eventually a president for one of those clubs, and lead a community service care team. Except for maybe two semesters, I have always had to do 16-17 credit hour semesters to make sure that I was going to graduate on time.  During the Spring Semesters of my Junior and Senior year, I did internships in combination with my capstones for Broadcasting and Public Relations.  So I think it's safe to say that I really had a busy college experience. If I wasn't on my hall doing homework or sleeping, I was usually in a meeting for any one of those things.   

Looking back, sometimes I wonder if I over stretched myself past my capacity. Honestly, I completely don't understand how I naturally still managed to finish my undergraduate career with a 3.56 GPA. It was only by the grace of God. Especially considering the fact that I'm allergic to coffee.  Out of the four years of my college career, I may have only consumed 10 cups of coffee (I discovered at some point that I was slightly allergic to it).

These past four years, as busy as I have been,  I can't say that I have any regrets with how I chose to spend my time. I don't regret making the decision to attend Liberty, although there were those moments when I really did.   I encountered people that represented the school and the Christian community very poorly.  I encountered people that believed differently than I did and made it appear that the way they believed were the only accurate way to believe. This frustrated me when they didn't have accurate proof to state why they believed what they believed.  It was as though we could confine God into one denomination.  I encountered people that made voting Republican mean that it was the Christian thing to do and if you didn't agree with it at all then you were not following under Biblical Principles.  I encountered racial circumstances in various situations. I mean, of course every school is not perfect nor has any absence of situations like these, but it really had to take quite a bit to really not be distracted by them. 

The thing is, I knew God wanted me at Liberty because it was the only place that worked out financially for me. After my first year, I considered transferring to VCU because I didn't like the relationships, or lack thereof that I had developed.  The price difference between the two schools were significant, as Liberty was roughly $30k a year and VCU was going to be $8k.  But with all the the scholarships that I had received from Liberty and the government, it would have been cheaper for me to be at Liberty than it would have been for me to be at VCU.  You'd be an idiot to not see the provision of God in that way.  I figured that I should stay.

But at the end of my four years as I look at everything that I have experienced as a whole, there are so many things that I can take away that I would not want to part with.
The most important thing that the Lord had worked in my life was having me realize the magnitude of His love for me.  Yes, we could say His love for us as a whole, but at the end of the day, if we don't make it personal, understanding His love becomes even more limited.  I learned to appreciate His love for me in the little things like seeing a Granny Smith Apple in the dining hall when I was craving it. Or the fact that He took the time to give someone the very innovative idea to create Ice Cream. I learned to trust in His provision.  I learned to trust Him in the hard decisions.  In the moments where I felt alone.  The moments when I thought everyone and everything were against me.

The moments that I had to spend with the girls on my hall have probably been some of the best experiences of my life. I have been challenged to grow empathetically. Challenged to be more hospitable.  I have been challenged to pray more.  Challenged to read my Bible more and study into the context of what was really being said and why.  I have been challenged to know what I believe and why I believe it. I believe that the Lord has grown me in so many ways that I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have if I chose to spend my college experience being somewhere else or doing something else. I have become part of an amazing community within my RA group and the leadership community that have created an atmosphere of transparency and growth for me.    

I have had the most amazing professors.  There was one professor that I had my Freshman year for English that I really enjoyed having. I waited until this semester to take my next English with the hope that he would get promoted by then, which he did.  Although I sat in a classroom with 100 other students, he made the class feel like there were only 15 of us.  He was really personal, made sure he knew my name and that class was definitely one of the highlights of my weeks.  I had other professors where I specifically chose to take a class that I didn't need just so that I could have him as a professor again. I really enjoyed having him because of his personality and quality of his teaching.  I had professors pray for me personally.  Laugh and joke with me.  Give me their home or cell phone numbers in case I needed anything.  Professors that bought Panera for the class. Professors that took the time to make cookies and dress up like Santa Claus when it wasn't even Christmas time so that we could all sit on his lap and take a picture with him. Professors that looked like Oompa Loompas who made me crave chocolate every time I sat in his class. Professors that were at the top of their field that sacrificed making tons of money so that they could help influence my life. Professors that told me what I needed to hear vs. what I wanted to hear.


Yes, my college experience was different.  I didn't spend all kinds of hours of the night drinking or partying.  I didn't have sex.  I haven't even dated once while I was at Liberty. I didn't get my "ring by spring" or my Masters of Reproductive Sciences Degree (MRS haha) like the stereotypical Liberty Student.  As stupid as that may sound, I'm glad that I didn't. I don't dread not having had a boyfriend in college.  I don't dread not being engaged and getting married like a good majority of my peers are this summer.


To be completely honest,  I wasn't really even nearly as excited as expected at first about graduating.  I already am not a super expressive person emotionally, but other than counting down til when I had it done, I felt as though it was already time to move onto the next better thing. Graduating was just a stepping stone. But to be completely honest, part of the main reason why I wasn't really sure how to express or if I should express excitement was because I wasn't sure how my graduation day would be like without my grandfather being there. I hate really broadcasting about things that upset me, as I haven't really mentioned it to many people. Not even my family.  When my grandfather passed, I was glad that I made the decision to graduate in 4 years instead of 3 because of the fact that I knew it was probably going to be hard to go through that day without him there. I figured that I needed more time to heal. My grandfather had been present for every major accomplishment in my life, so knowing that he wasn't going to be there to witness an accomplishment that no one in his family had done was going to be a difficult reality for me to face.  It was a reality that I didn't want to face.  It hit me more on Friday morning when I had to get up and check-in for graduation. I didn't want to get out of bed. When I got to Saturday and went through the whole day with a combination of exhaustion and excitement, I realized that everything was actually going to be okay.  Regardless of whether my grandfather was there or not, he actually left behind a legacy.  Something that I hope that I will be able to do when my time on this earth is gone. I don't think anything could be more comforting than knowing that I am part of his legacy. But most importantly,  I was reminded more about the love of God than any other moment that day. Something that He had taken four years to show me.  The love of God is my comforter and my strength.  And He was that day.

Although I will be back for one more year to complete my Master's,  I have to say that my time at Liberty has developed me from being a completely senseless girl to an educated woman. Not every encounter has been pleasurable, but at the same time, I have to say that these four years have changed my life more than the previous 18 years. My relationship with the Lord has grown significantly and I have developed amazing relationships with people that have helped me get to where I am today.  I know for a fact that I wouldn't have been able to do it without the help of so many people who have challenged and encouraged me to keep pushing through the tough times and to not be lazy when I wanted to be.  I found out what my passions and calling for my life were.

At some point,  I realized that my goals were not for me, but to be used to glorify the Lord.  Because at the end of the day, if He isn't the influencer of it, everything is in vain. Instead of lashing out at the people or circumstances that tried to discourage me, I let the Lord and my work for Him do the talking for me. I focused on the goal. I focused on the Lord's love for me. Because of that, I did something that the numbers said I would never do.



Liberty,

Thank you for the experience.  And you're welcome for the $120K ;)

-Quayla

I'm just being selfish

I don't think that there is a day that goes by where I'm not thinking about what to do next.  Seriously, in my free time, all I've been doing was applying for jobs.  That's all I can sit and think about.  Where am I going to go? 

For some reason, ever since I was younger, I have ALWAYS wanted to move up North.  Always.  So as I've been looking through places and applying, I have managed to get two interviews up there.  One in New Jersey and one in Pennsylvania.  Both within 15 minutes of each other.  But as I've been sitting here processing everything, I really do not think that moving up north is exactly where I am needed.  This sounds completely crazy because all my life, I've wanted to be up there.  But as the opportunity presents itself, the more unsure I get. 

I become more sure about giving back to the places that have invested into me.  I've always wanted to coach.  I absolutely love mentoring.  It has been something that I have been passionate about for years.  It has been something that I've been doing throughout my entire duration at Liberty.  To be honest, I don't think I want to live my life without doing so.  All of this is crazy because I know that there is that one place that God is calling me to be.  I just need to find it.  Well, at least I thought I needed to find it.

I can't help it sometimes.  I'm a planner.  A BIG planner.  So I just feel as though I should always have a plan.  I mean, that's smart, right?  I've never gone this long in my life without one.  The weird thing is that I know I'm so close to getting there.  SO close. But my selfishness is getting in the way.  Yes, I'm being selfish right now.   I'm being selfish because I don't want to be uncomfortable.  I'm being selfish because I want to have an income so that I can take care of myself.  I'm being selfish because, I'm not thinking about who I can impact, but myself.

One thing I know is that the Lord is calling me to be a leader.  I mean, while there were a lot of reasons why I decided to come to Liberty for my undergrad, one of the main factors in me making the decision to come was because of how Liberty managed to develop leaders.  Because I knew that this was what God was calling me to do, I had to be in a place that had forced me to become one.  I came to Liberty in my Freshman year with the desire to become an RA. 

However, when it comes to being a leader, you just can't live life without leading.  Among the places that I have applied to, they were looking for someone that will be able to lead and manage a team.  As awesome as that is,  I don't think that is necessarily what I should be doing right now.  Yes, the perks are nice.  The promotions are nice.  But is that necessarily my calling?  To lead in the business sense?

I thought about that and I'm pretty sure the answer to it isn't yes.  I mean, maybe it would be yes in a different molding.

When I was younger, I pushed against the idea of working in a ministry.  Coming to college, I didn't want to work with any kind of non profit company or anything of the sort.  Seriously, I got to Liberty and it seemed as though everyone wanted to do that.  I was definitely not for that.  I wanted to work in a field that was very competitive.  I am competitive in nature, so I wanted to literally be stressed out by the end of the day from a long day of work.  That kind of stuff makes me thrive.  Knowing that I've accomplished something in the midst of pressure and stress makes me feel great.   However, as I'm starting to think about where my passions are, working with a non-profit sounds so much more ideal.  The weird thing is that I'm not sure where to look.  It's crazy because things are formulating.

It's crazy because I think the Lord is leading me to look in a different place than I have been before.  The crazier thing is that I'm not really sure where to start.  This is one of those moments where I have to cling to the Lord so much harder than I have before.  Because I know I'm close to figuring it out. I just have to get out of my selfish ways.

This is all so much to take in. But I know everything is going to fall into place

Why I Didn't Know What I was Supposed to be Doing with my Life

It's crazy when I get these little inspirations to write blogs.  So many monumental things have been happening in the past few days and I'm constantly thinking and taking it all in.

I'm graduating in five months. I finished my budget for my last semester of college. I completed my last RA training today. 

I'm going to be a little honest and say that last week, I was absolutely dreading coming back to Liberty early for RA training.  I get frustrated with having to sit in the same spot for hours, listening to things that I "feel" as though I already know.  Or I get mad when a training session would take 45 minutes, when I know that it could be taught within ten minutes.  My pride does that sometimes because I am a very direct person. I deliver things directly and I want things given to me directly or else I'm going to just tune it out and not listen.   It's that simple.  

So Monday morning, I was not very happy about getting up early and heading to training. I had to put on the "positive" attitude face and just "get it over with".   But after the first couple of hours, my whole entire approach towards it changed and I was deeply humbled.  To sum it all up (and I'll go into further details in a bit), it was exactly what I've been needing for the past several weeks, if not months, or years.

One thing that I have been struggling with lately is figuring out what I'm going to do next after graduation. I really don't know if you understand exactly HOW much of a struggle it is because I'm a planner, I have to have everything planned out or else I'm going to panic.  So not having a definite, concrete plan is tough, and I mean TOUGH.  

I think that being a double-major kind of set me up just a tad for the confusion.  I practically have double the options and I'm not sure which one to take.  I get all of these "great ideas".  I've been placed on the "consideration" table for companies to interview me for a job after graduation.  I've considered pursuing photography full time.  I've considered graduate school.  I've wanted to do SO much that I didn't even take the time to FULLY reflect and seek the Lord about exactly what He wanted me to do.  I'd just take an idea and it would sound good at the time and I'll go with it and was convinced at those moments that it was what God wanted me to do.  Then another circumstance may come up and I would doubt that decision and start to make another.  I would go back and forth with my plans for after graduation and I would never even take into consideration of what God actually wanted me to do.  I'd just "accept" the fact that God would reveal it to me when He wanted me to.  I made the excuse for how "He'd probably just tell me the day before graduation".  

But to be completely honest, I haven't placed my trust in Him over the past few months.  I figured that making the decision would be easy for me because I wasn't in a relationship with anyone and since I didn't have other people to factor in regarding where I wanted to go, I was good.  I was just "analytically" coming up with plans on my own so that I can be financial stable once I obtained my diploma.  That was it.  It became so hard because I have the desire and the skill to do so many things.  So if I were to take one option and focus on that, I'll be missing the others.  It became hard and stressful because I wasn't being led by what God wanted me to do.

The very first thing that was addressed in RA training that struck me hard this week was learning the differences between "being" and "doing".  That set the tone immediately because sometimes we tend to make what we "do" be the establishment of our identity.  Instead of allowing our identity influence what we do.  Our "being" is who we are.

Another toe stepper for me was in one of the breakout sessions that we did today. We talked about our strengths and how sometimes, in our sin nature, we seek to use our strengths as a means to influence selfish gain. That breakout session reminded us of the StrengthsQuest survey that I took about 3 years ago.  Every RA needs to take it before submitting their application, but I took it in my Freshman year.  I really only took the test to put into my application, so I never really read into the details that they gave us let alone remembered what my strengths were in case someone asked.  I've always been familiar with some of the strengths that I had, but never knew exactly what my "top 5" were and what they meant.

So I sat here and logged into the account to look at them.  Here they are with a brief description

Achiever

• Great deal of stamina and work hard. Takes great satisfaction from being busy and productive. 

Competition

• Measure their progress against the performance of others. They strive to win first place and revel in contests. 

Analytical

• Search for reasons and causes. They have the ability to think about all the factors that might affect a situation. 

Responsibility

• take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty 

Significance

• Want to be very important in the eyes of others. They are independent and want to be recognized.  

                          As a slight side note to me, one thing that stood out was that I want to associate with people that are       credible, successful, and professional.  If they aren't then I would push them until they are. Or would move on. 

I looked through them an IMMEDIATELY saw the places in my life where I act on these things for my own selfish gain.   For the Achiever trait, although I really enjoy relaxing, if I don't have anything to do, I get frustrated and angry.  I would constantly stress myself out to complete a goal in time. I would stay up all night, I would lose sleep. If I'm not physically working on it, I'm mentally working on it when I'm in bed. I have insomnia because my brain simply does not slow down. 

For competition, I am CONSTANTLY comparing myself with others. I'm super critical about myself and my work and I often doubt myself if I don't think that I can compare to another person with more experience.  To be honest, I thought the experience that I had out of college wasn't enough. I really thought that I wasn't going to get a job out of graduation because of the lack of so called "experience" that I had on my resume. Several of my peers excelled in those areas far more than I thought that I was so I just felt as though I didn't amount up to it. I came to the knowledge of how stupid that was when I actually started applying. I compare myself relationally with others.  I compare myself physically. I compare myself mentally. There are even times where I would compare myself spiritually.  I literally live a life of comparing myself to others in a way that is either feeling inferior or superior to them.

I'm so analytical that I would not take anyone's word for law unless I challenged it.  If I didn't challenge their logic directly, I would definitely do it indirectly.  There are things that I would REFUSE to do because of the fact that it simply did not make sense to me logically.  Another aspect to this is that I would not take risks unless I logically thought it all out.  I would have to think about all the outcomes and if I couldn't justify it by the analysis, then I wasn't doing it.

For responsibility I feel as though I have to be loyal to people that I know I shouldn't be.  Just because they have done something for me in the past, I should be obligated to be there for them whenever they needed.  Even IF it meant that I needed to be treated like crap for quite a while.  

Then lastly, there's Significance. I feel as though this one goes in so many different depths.  But the biggest thing is definitely my associations.  I hate being around people that don't live up to their potential.  But every so often, I have a few friends here and there that I'm constantly nagging and nagging until they can reach it.  I don't even care how my delivery is, I'm going to push them until it gets that way.   Another area is that I FEAR rejection.  Seriously, I am TERRIFIED of it.  This has come into affect with expressing my emotions and feelings toward situations or people. I feel as though I have to keep my emotions to myself so that I'm not vulnerable.  So that they won't be rejected. If I sense any ounce of possible rejection, then I'm not going to go with it.

But at the same time I have seen where these strengths are absolutely AMAZING when I take the time to operate in the ways of the Lord and not thinking about myself. I have to remind myself that these strengths are a gift of God.  I didn't just develop them on my own. God decided that He was going to give these to me because of the calling that He had for me. When I decide to allow my identity to be a reflection of Him instead of trying to be "Quayla", I can allow His calling to take root into my life and the lives of others.  Because, lets just tell the truth, I'm not all that great to begin with.  So I really have no reason to try to enforce my own identity. 

So with this brief detour, the one thing that has been stuck in my mind for the past few weeks is the word "passion".  I didn't necessarily know why.  It was just in my head and I was constantly thinking about that statement I heard in Convocation several months ago about "finding your sweet spot". Like a combination of what you're passionate about and what you're good at.  That midpoint and that's your spot.  But that just made everything so vague because I'm inherently good at more than one thing.  

What I asked myself constantly over the past few weeks was simply, "what am I passionate about?" I never took the time to answer that.  But when I sat through the strengths breakout session, I was able to learn about it so much more. To pinpoint it in a way that I never exactly thought I could.  

Regardless of where I'm supposed to go and what I'm supposed to do with my life after I graduate, it all comes down to a Passionate Mission.  Whether it's in the "secular" environment or if I'm working for a church ministry or wherever.   But figuring out your passionate mission would all come down to asking yourself these four questions:

What do I believe?
Where do I see brokenness?
Who am I sent to?
What will I do?

Those four questions automatically had something click for me. There are things that I believe, the brokenness that I am more prone to see that literally MOST people do not.  I have already been sent and drawn to a certain group of people. Seriously, today, it clicked. While I'm still putting details together, I think that it finally made sense with what I'm supposed to be doing long term   Literally, after spending almost 4 years debating about what I'm going to be doing after May 2014 it has never seemed to be anymore clear than what it does now.  

I know this is a lot to take in for one post, but as I'm ending this, I really came to a place these week where the Lord TORE me apart.  I don't even know how to fully explain it in every single detail.  But to think that the reason why I didn't know what I was going to do with my life is because I was focusing on things other than what the Lord was calling me to do.  I didn't invest the time that I should have asking Him to reveal it to me.  Because all it takes is to getting out of your pride and listening.  Because He does speak.

-Quayla

I'm Just Tired of Technology

This is a weird thing to say right about now.

I've been sitting at my computer literally all day for the past two days.  I haven't had time to really relax since I've been home.  As soon as I got in, I did a portrait session for a family, edited those pictures, a portion of a model casting and the last bit of the second wedding that I had shot in September.  Once I got all of those completed, I had helped my parents with some work literally most of the other days.  So it took me until yesterday (Wednesday) to finally have the opportunity to just sit and gather myself.

I tend to say this pretty often when I make an excuse for my need to relax, but I am very much introverted.  I enjoy the company of people in moderation, I prefer close friends and family so that I can have genuine conversations, but after a long day, weeks, and semester of being surrounded by people all day every day, I really just need to find that time to relax and get myself together.  I really enjoy spending time by myself too.

Usually, it would take me about a week to gather myself.  But this time, it only took me a day and a half.  After being so busy this semester, sitting around for 2 days doing nothing is pulling my hair out.  I'm literally telling myself how I HAVE to do something.  How I HAVE to find something to do because I just CANNOT sit here any longer doing the same thing over and over.

However, I find myself wanting to do something that doesn't involve technology.  All semester, I have literally done all of my homework with my computer.  My major requires me to use my computer so it is literally on nonstop.  The only time it is off is when I'm sleeping.  For probably the 6 hours of the night, IF that.  My phone is always near me.  When I'm at school, people are constantly texting or calling me.  I am constantly responding to e-mails.  It's neverending. So sitting here for the past two days playing video games, or watching a movie, yes is refreshing, but I want to do something away from technology for a change because I am so submersed in it as a broadcasting and public relations major.

So, my solution to this is to actually go outside.  I'm going to do a few projects this break.  Session with my sister and hopefully my brother, maybe working on a music video so I have something to edit.  I'm supposed to be working but that's becoming a bit complicated at the moment,  so I just need to use the resources that I have.  Then I will definitely be reading this break.

I really am tired of the technological aspects of life.  I think I really want to try the 24 hour challenge of not using technology for a day.  I think it'll be very refreshing for a change.

Well, this is just some random thought that I had.  Nothing super profound.

-Quayla

The Continuation of Doubt

I'm not really sure why I come to those moments where I continue to doubt myself.  Doubt the progress that I've made.  I often try to convince myself that what I've accomplished in the past few years just simply isn't enough.  I focus on what I don't have instead of what I actually do have.  I focus on what I want, instead of what I need.  Overall, there are just those moments when I see things that aren't necessarily reality.

So, why am I writing this exactly?  Why am I sharing this part of my life in writing?

I just wanted to express my thoughts.

What I've been battling with back and forth for the past few weeks is figuring out if I have enough skill to actually get a job after graduation.  I've asked myself, "Do I have what it takes?"  "Is my resume good enough?" "Where am I going to go?" "Will I be looking for a job for a really long time?"   It's just crazy because when I start to doubt myself, the Lord sometimes always brings me back to see the real picture.  He allows me to see things for what they really are instead of allowing myself to pull back because of fear.  I spent quite a bit of time a few days ago looking at jobs, sending my resume to a few places.  The crazy thing about it all is the fact that I actually got a call back from three of the places that I applied.  My resume applied to be considered for an interview.  When I had talked to them about it, one of them was still wanting me to come in for an interview for a Winter position and the other two will be keeping my resume on file for when it gets closer to graduation.  I mean, it's probably not a BIG thing, but the fact that I am being considered for a position in my degree field with my resume, that isn't even complete, encouraged me a bit.  It is just exciting to me of all the possibilities that could happen when graduation gets closer.

I'm still planning to do grad school and hope to find something in Lynchburg for the duration of those two years, but the plus about Liberty is that with it being online,  I could work anywhere.  So during the break, I will 1. be working on my grad school application as well as my GSA application.  The deadline for it is May 1.  So I'm going to probably give myself until around Mid-April to find a job.  If I don't find anything, then I will apply for GSA. That will be my last resort, because I would like to earn more money in comparison to what the GSA position has to offer. So that is all up in the air.

But even though I tend to panic because I don't think that I have enough to offer, God definitely reminds me of the gifts that He has given me.  He has also reminded me that I can't do anything without His guidance.  So it has been pretty cool to see how everything is coming about.

Well, this was a pretty short post.  It was just something that I wanted to briefly touch on.

-Quayla

My life lately

I've never really been one of those people that would post a completely heartfelt, emotional, transparent blog post.  To be honest, even though my plans for this post is to be just that,  I really don't even know or think I would go into something that deep.

I'm usually a person that is pretty level headed emotionally.  Even when I have some issues that I have to deal with, I've always been able to kind of leave it as that and go about my day to day routines without having them affecting me.  However, as things have gotten to reaching deadlines and have a large amount of things pulling at me, I just had to work so much harder to tackle them and continue to do what I needed to do.  To make the decisions that I needed to make with accuracy and clarity.  Things have gotten overwhelming and stressful and I literally had no idea how I was going to continue on with things.  Everything was just crazy.

To be honest though, there were those days that because of my stress levels, I began to devalue and degrade myself with my words.

• I'm a horrible person
• I'm ugly
• I'm a failure
• I have NO idea what in the world I'm going to do with my life.  How could I be 21 years old and not know?
• I'm going to be graduating in a matter of months and I have no idea what to do next
• I should quit school
• I'm single with no prospects; no one would even want me.  Why would someone be stupid enough to even want a relationship with me?
• I'm going to die alone
• What is wrong with me?
• Why couldn't I just have decided to be that person that made all kind of stupid mistakes?
• Can I just do anything wrong, once in my life and be okay?

The interesting thing is that a majority of the things that I began to think about and tell myself really had absolutely nothing to do with me being stressed or overwhelmed with my work.  It was just an area of my life where I allowed the devil to talk to me and tell me things that weren't even true. To be honest, those things are stupid for me to even think.

It's interesting because being at Liberty, I am so submersed in a place where getting a college degree came with an engagement ring and/or a husband (I've wondered a few times if I would be that 30 year old woman with a nice job but was single). I am in a place where so many people already know exactly what God has called them to do before they stepped foot into the first class of their college career.  I am in a place where people have lived lives prior full of their submission to a lifestyle and ultimately turned out to be okay and currently on fire for the Lord.

These are things that I have had to deal with throughout my time here.  And at the moment, I am none of those people.  I've never dated anyone while I was in college.  As a matter of fact, I've never been on a date period.  I was in an exclusive relationship once in high school, but it never really went past the whole aspect of "talking frequently" and just "claiming" that particular person as my boyfriend. So basically for most of my life, I've been single.

I've never really had much of a past.  Yeah there were some things that I have done that I would definitely go back and change.  However, I don't have that past or that "testimony" that everyone seems to have.  I wasn't a partier, or drinker, or sex addict.  I wasn't abused or molested.  I wasn't neglected as a child.  I had parents that loved and cared about me. Who had sacrificed so much for me.  I've wondered what it would have been like if I actually decided to "have fun" like the rest of my peers did in college.  Instead of being a studious person as well as going to a Christian school.

I've never known what God wanted me to do when I stepped in my first class on the first day of college.  The only thing I knew was what He didn't want me to do (AWESOME! =\).  I had no clear path set.  It was frustrating.

Although some of these things were frustrating to me, well all of them were frustrating to me at some point or another,  I was never truly affected by it when I got to college.  I had made the decision to not date in college.  When I got to my sophomore year, I already determined that I really was not going to be with anyone worthwhile there.  Yes, while I didn't understand why I made that decision at first (and to be honest I know that God had done things in my life encounters to ensure that I wouldn't compromise in that decision), I came to the realization that my senior year was the very reason why I was single.  While it is a really long story for me to share,  I do firmly believe that God specifically made me single for the very season that I am in right now.  Which heavily explains why I have experienced so much more opposition and attacks from the enemy in the places in my life where I appeared to be more vulnerable.

I knew that God was teaching me how to be patient and trust Him throughout my journey.  While I really wanted to have a clear path, God had never left me in the dark confused and unsure about the directions that I needed to take.  He has always proven Himself faithful and had revealed to me what I needed to do at the appointed times.  It is crazy because as I'm sitting here taking the next course of action in my life,  I feel as though God had clearly told me exactly what I needed to do in a further span of time than what He has told me throughout my entire time at Liberty.  I have a plan for next semester, a plan for the next two years.  Then a plan beyond that.  The crazy thing about it all, is that for the first time, it was something that I fully believe that the Lord had revealed to me to do.  While I don't know exactly every single solitary detail of each even and how I'm going to get there, I somehow know that this season that I will be entering in my life would be very fruitful.  And I don't know if I will ever be able to fully comprehend the magnitude of it all.

Even though I don't think it is some days, I know that God had preserved my life for a time as this. Even though I haven't experienced things in the way that other people that I know have, for some reason, He was able to still use me to minister to others that have gone through things I haven't.  He has somehow allowed me vulnerability with others and my openness to hear and develop relationships with them to be good enough.  I know it's not me. At all.  The craziest thing about it is how in my quiet times today, I came across Galatians 6:9-10

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

To be honest, I'm sure that I have come across this verse dozens of times and never had it really impacted me in the way that it has tonight.  It is hard some days to not give into temptation.  Especially at the age that I am.  Where the people that I have grown up with are doing things that don't line up with the way that we've been taught.  Where people give into their temptations and do things as though it doesn't affect other people.  My generation is a generation that only thinks about the present instead of the future.  Even though I do feel alone most days, I know that I will reap a harvest and be rewarded for not giving into the temptations that fly in my path.


I know this was super long, and I feel as though I should maybe stop here.  I'm really excited about what the Lord has for me within the next few years and even within the next few months.  I know it's great and I can't wait (well, I can ha)!

-Quayla

Making it through the final stretch-Update

Seriously,

I am reaching the 8 week mark of my Final Semester and I'm sitting here thinking about how fast it has gone.. and how fast the Spring Semester will get here.  How fast graduation will get here.  How fast it'll be when I have to begin working for the rest of my life.

It's crazy because as I'm sitting here thinking about all the things that are coming up,  it gets a little challenging to figure out what I'm supposed to do next and where I'm supposed to be going.

At first, I've wanted to go to grad school.  It seems to be the smartest "move" on paper because I can practically get an education for free.  But at the same time, I sit there thinking about exactly how smart of an idea would that be.  Do I want to continue on with schooling for two additional years?  Or do I want to just go out into the work force.  I know that going into Public Relations is relatively easier to do versus any other field.  The growth and demand of it is rapid and I just feel as though the sooner I can get to work, the better.  The more money I can make would be the better.  As of late,  I felt as though I should stay home and save money while I work.  But on the other hand, I'm kind of on the fence and I'm not sure whether I should just go out and be on my own.  If I should move somewhere outside of Richmond.  If so, where?

It's a matter of not being sure where God wants to place me. Even though I'm not panicking, it becomes really hard to not know what I'm supposed to be doing next and where I'm supposed to be doing it.  But at the same time, I'm perfectly okay with it.

It is hard to believe that in less than a year, this is what I will be doing.

The thing about my academics is that I have been being less and less motivated to doing my work.  I don't want to even think about what I'm supposed to be doing.  I am doing hw constantly and it's bugging me! ha.  But I'm kind of glad that my Philosophy class is almost done.  After that, I will only have to worry about Theology, which isn't NEARLY as time consuming and so much easier.  Then I'll have to begin working on my campaigns for class and other things.

Well, this is just a very random update on my life right now..

Senior Year Shenanigans-Where is my life going?

I'm sitting here just finishing up my hw that was due for tomorrow and today and I realized that I should maybe attempt to write a complete blog since I have been failing to do so with my personal life.   For me to be a person that loves to write, I just can never get myself to just write a blog as regularly as I want.  I probably should begin keeping up with it a little more.

Well I am entering my second week of my senior year and the only thing that I find myself thinking about is simply "what do I do next?".  Time is ticking.  If I decide to go to grad school somewhere other than Liberty, I have 3 months to have taken my GMAT and apply for the program.  This is to ensure that I receive Financial aid.  To be honest, I do not want to accumulate many loans in addition to my undergrad.  My plans for the longest time were to attend VCU's MBA program, but that would be about 10k and year.  So taking into consideration of that, I would be adding on 20k worth of loans.  As I'm thinking about it, I find it pointless because throughout my four years of undergrad, I will only be accumulating 25, 30k. For four years.  So pulling out 20k for two, just seems to not be the wisest decision.

As I'm going through the month that I have been back at Liberty, I feel as though it is the wisest decision for me to simply stay in Lynchburg to pursue my Master's in Communications.  It's crazy through it all, but I do apparently have more opportunities here than if I were to go elsewhere.  I could still remain an RA and I could possibly do GSA at the same time.  The Communications department at Liberty is revamping so much that it would be kind of crazy to not take the opportunity.  

But then there are those moments when I feel as though my time here is just about up. 

Then the other options are to just simply get rid of the Graduate School option and head on out into the work force.   I mean, being that I am graduating with a degree in Public Relations and Broadcasting, I really do not think that there would be any challenges in finding a job.  Primarily in the PR field.  Then my dad has stroked out the idea that he would like for me to work for him.  

There are so many options that I have right now that I don't even know what to take.  It's crazy because, if you know me at all, you know how much of a planner I am. You'll know that not knowing the path to my future is concerning to me.  

It challenges me to trust God even more.  As an 18 year old freshman coming to Liberty, I really expected my life to be all panned out in a certain way.  I expected to know exactly what I was supposed to do.

Being a senior and not knowing what I'm going to do next freaks me out more than anything.  Because I never thought that at 21, I wouldn't know what path to take.

The craziest thing though, is somehow, through all the uncertainty, I have a feeling of peace.  God's timing is perfect and I know that He hasn't left me wandering alone throughout all these years.  He has a sense of humor too.  Throughout RA training this semester, we sang this song, by Hillsong "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)".  I never heard it before, but the bridge of the song spoke to me more than ever.  I really couldn't find the song at the time, nor knew the title of it.  Then after we sang it, I would simply forget the lyrics.  Then for the next few weeks I just forgot about the song altogether.  Then I heard it again over the weekend and was like "I need to find that song" but I got so tired and again, I forgot.

Then today, a girl on my hall posted the song lyrics on her fb status.  Then I finally googled the lyrics and found it.  Then Ironically, we had worship for RA group and actually sang this song.  I literally almost hit tears. Because it was something that I really need to here, especially in the time of my life where I simply do not know where to go. 

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

and my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior"

That song humbles me. More than anything. It reminds me how much I need to cling to the Lord and allow Him to just lead me in the direction that I need to go. I am reminded that He has never left me. 

I never really thought the direction of this post would've gone the way it did.  Sometimes, I just write and my hands to go along with whatever. =)

-Quayla

It's All About Perspective

I kind of refrained from talking to a LOT of people about my thoughts on the Zimmerman Case.  I don't like mentioning controversial things on my Facebook and Twitter really.   However, I would sometimes mention things in my blogs (when I get the time).

This is what I tell people concerning Social Media in general though:

My Facebook is meant for entertainment.  I don't debate, nor create a forum for debate.  I don't condemn, nor create a forum for condemnation. 

If someone else wants to do that with theirs, then that's totally fine, but I personally have made a decision to not engage in those things.

Well, anyways, I really feel as though these outbreaks are due to a lot of misconceptions and a failure to understand someone else's perspective.  There is obviously a racial barrier still existent in our country that has shown itself evident in these two events:  

1. President Obama's re-election 
2. The George Zimmerman Case

I'm going to be honest and say that I have seen the true colors of a LOT of people: black and white with these two events alone.

- People were so adamant about voting "biblical values" when they themselves were not acting biblical.  
- People were causing rage and losing friendships with people because of differences of opinion and perspective.

I personally was not upset about the Zimmerman verdict. At first, I was more so insensitive and frustrated of the reactions of practically the entire country. Primarily black people.   I mean, cases like this happens all the time (black and white). Since I study media, I have come to understand that it's all about mind control.  The media literally tells people what to think and feel and how to act.  Especially when people don't know how to do their research.

I was frustrated because there are no outrages about black on black crimes. There are so many times when a black person is guilty, gets sentenced and people know the man was guilty.  Then they go "Free my man (or other words) Boosie!" I'm serious. I was frustrated because I started to crave skittles but had to refrain from buying them because I felt as though someone would've assumed I was protesting or something.

So either way, I'm like "how are we going to expect people to take us seriously, when we do things like this?"

I tend to keep an open mind and objective approach to news.  I mean, the ONLY people that know exactly what happened in the events leading up to Martin's death is George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin.  Martin could have very well threatened Zimmerman's life.  Or he could have very well been innocent. None of us know.  Either way, the family of both Martin's and Zimmerman's are changed. Forever.  

I'm not going to even go with the legal side of things and my opinion on the verdict. I'm not a lawyer and I'm not going to pretend to be.  I don't think that anyone of us should pretend that we are either.

As someone who has taken the time to get to know many people of many different ethnicities and cultural backgrounds,  I have come to understand that everyone has a different perspective of situations like these.  A different perspective of life in general. Over the years, I have learned that you don't ask a Puerto Rican if they're Mexican.  I've learned that you don't ask a Korean if they're Chinese or what "part" of Korea they are from. I've learned that a white person can be African. I've learned that I ONLY want an Indian or Arabian person making my sandwich at Subway, only a Chinese person for Chinese food. Or a Dominican person blow out my hair (that maybe a poor humorous attempt).  Maybe some of you don't know these things, and don't understand the tension that comes with the misconceptions. A lot of the tension comes from the fact that there is a lack of understanding of a another's person's perspective.  A lack of proper communication.  A lack of discipline. A lack of attempting to understand.

These two events have seem to surface into a black-white issue where:

White people don't understand why it's a big deal
Black people don't effectively communicate why it's a big deal

Then there's a bunch of ridicule going on and people acting uncivilized and rude to people when they simply do not understand!

So, why are these things a big deal?

I am one of those people that can say that I have been very fortunate to have the upbringing that I have had.

I have 3 siblings.  That are all from the same mother and father
My parents are still together after 20 years
I am less than a year away from obtaining a Bachelor's degree. 

Me and a few cousins on my dad's side are neck and neck.  But I will be one of the first (if not the first) to ever get that on his side.

I have never lived in the ghetto
I have rarely dealt with racial attacks/slurs


But I can't say that for every person. Just to mention my "black" friends alone, that number is very small. Statistically in America alone, that number is almost non-existent. So I personally cannot relate to a large number of black people in America.

I have a lot of friends of various races and I personally like to keep it like that.  But I'm asked sometimes by my friends about why these two issues are necessarily a big deal.  While I personally am not emotionally affected by them like most people of my race are, I can't deny the fact of the matter that they do affect people. (Again, I will mention that my upbringing is rare.)

My parents grew up in a place where police officers badly beat black people.. just because they were black. My parents are 40.
My grandparents grew up during the time period of Martin Luther King Jr.  During the time where white people killed black people.  Just because they were black. Where they couldn't use the same bathroom, eat in the same restaurants, you name it. My grandmother is 60.

It was the time period where even Christians felt as though it was okay to do those cruel things.  Yet now we have big pushes for pro-life which in some regard is a little ironic. Yes, things are changing, people are starting to realize more truth, but we still have progress to make. As people as a whole, not just race.

I could go on up my family tree.. but my generation through my family line has probably had little to no racial encounters.  However, I do know several people my age who have dealt with it.  Racism still exists to this day. While slavery ended in 1863 there have been so many legal difficulties for black people up until the 1960s.  So you're talking about over 300 years of a struggle, compared to the past 50 years of progress.

- Having a black president is a big deal because for generations black people have felt inferior. To have a black president was something that people have been told for generations would NEVER happen.  I'm not making this a political issue, you can agree or disagree with his policies all you want. That's not a topic of discussion right now.

- Having Zimmerman not being guilty was a big deal because there were times when the government have framed black men.  Or have made more efforts for a man in the legal system that isn't black to be free than someone that was.

Because of the issues of racial treatment of the generations before mine, I can say that black people have developed a case of racism themselves.  To be honest, black people today can be just as racist towards a white person, as a white person can be towards a black person today.  I hear it often and have personally been guilty of it myself  "don't do that, that's what white people do"  or "why do you act so white" or maybe "white people are so nasty." The list goes on.

To put this in a more widely relatable perspective. Think about someone that is scared to swim.  They go with their friends and they don't understand why that person is afraid of water.  Sometimes they tease and ridicule that person without fully understanding why they are scared.  After a while and over the course of their friendship, everyone will eventually come to understand that the person is scared of water because they have had a near death encounter with water. You wouldn't have understood that until the relationship is there.

That's how things are with black people in America. Things are like that for other races in other countries as well.  I can't personally speak for them because I don't understand the perspective to a deep degree.  After having generations after generations of bondage,  there are just specific things that mean more to black people than most.  It's just a matter of breaking through that barrier and trying to understand.

(I also believe that there is a significant amount of issues that are simply a spiritual battle. But, that is a slightly different topic.)

To those that think otherwise, there are black people that genuinely work hard for what they have. Whether it's a lot, or a little.  I hear a lot of people dog welfare and food stamps like the only people that get them are being lazy.  That's not true at all.  I know people that have had to utilize them that work hard and just need the extra help.  It's biblical.  We are supposed to help those that are in need.  

But there are people that abuse these things as well. I cannot deny that fact either. And to be honest, they will handle the consequences for that in due time. But to be honest,  there are people of every race that do the same exact things.

When it comes to black people, in my generation, I will say that the majority of deaths involving black people are usually done by black people themselves. I can't deny that either.  I also believe that when it comes to the next progress of black people as a whole, we do need to make a personal change.  

Racism is not going to end while racism is still being fed. 

Yes, people should demand respect regardless of what their race is.  But people should also make sure that they are willing to give it back, even when they are not being respected.  That's how we are to be judged by the content of our character.  Everyone should understand what is offensive to someone and what isn't.  Racism is a learned behavior.  A person cannot be born racist.

To those of you that are black, I do understand the hurt that exists when you're doing right and are being still being treated unfairly just because of the color of skin.  I understand how hurt some people may be with something like this case because, if you look through history the government has shown disfavor for black people. For generations. My generation is the first in this country that hasn't had to deal with a fraction of the generations before.

A white person, or simply someone that isn't black, of my generation is frustrated.  Frustrations come from just simply not understanding.  But then the frustrations come from lack of proper communication.  Frustrations come from what seems to be a double standard.  Are we (black people) holding a double standard? Understand the frustration, work through the frustration and help them understand exactly why things are the way that they are.  Not in hatred, not in disrespect, and not in disunity.

We shouldn't react in hatred towards people. While we should not ignore the fact that racism exists, we should not continue to embrace racism. As a black person,  a white person, a hispanic person, etc. We should not teach our children to hate people of another race.  Or to feel inferior or superior. We should not allow someone to suffer for something that the generations before them have done.  We should strive to break the stereotypes. We should strive to understand another person's perspective.

Our past should not negate our future.  Not every person of a race is the same as every other person of their own race.  But at the same time, don't act like a negative stereotype and get mad when someone treats you like that stereotype.   While we wait for people to catch on to treating us with the respect that we deserve, we as a whole should begin to act like those very people worthy of that respect.  It starts in our homes, in our mindset, in our actions.

I have learned this in one of my classes a couple of years ago.  Jesus' family line was cursed.  If you were to study through the genealogy of Christ, you would understand that very chapter in Matthew going through his family history is offensive to Jews, Israelis in general. Jesus was a descendant of some pretty messed up cultures.  Who knows the very tension that people felt against him when they knew where He came from. Just from his background alone.  But think about how He reacted towards them.



"Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that.” 

This emotional summer

I've been doing a HORRIBLE job with keeping up with my blog.  As often as I enjoy writing, I find it very strange at how I have not been able to complete very many posts. I would sit there and begin writing and then I stop and decide that I was going to come back to it.  But then once I come back to it.. the inspiration is no longer there, or either the topic becomes irrelevant.

Just in general, I feel as though there have been so many things running through my mind, that I just couldn't simply express them in any words of any form.  It's pretty crazy to be honest.  Smh That's my life you know? haha

Well, anyways, I take a good portion of my summers in between the school years to do a lot of personal evaluation.  I mean, for any person, but specifically as an adult, I believe that it is really important to just take the time to evaluate yourself.  Figure out what areas in your life you need to improve in and the how you're going to improve in those areas.  

But this summer was just a bit different. 

Overall, I do feel as though because I'm not running around nearly as much and have the time to just sit reflect on things, I find myself to be a really emotional person.  It makes me wonder if that's who I really am, and I just manage to shift my focus away from my emotions through all the busyness of my life throughout the school years.   This summer just had me in quite the emotional whirlwind and to be honest, I never really know where they come from.

I think in general, a recurring theme has been my emotions.  I tell people that I have learned to be a suppressor.  If there has bee something emotional happen to me, I would just hide them somewhere and leave them alone.  I just feel as though emotions should just be placed in a separate category that should never be touched or messed with.  I don't even like being around visibly emotional people because I don't know how to comfort them nor do I want to.  I just think everyone should just suck it up and move on with their day to day lives.  So.. that's how I make it seem.

Well, I started to get a little off course... but to tie that in, I know that the Lord has someone used this summer to develop my emotions on a level that I didn't think I need to.  Where it comes to trying to figure out EXACTLY how I feel and then being able to tell Him the same.  I never used to pay attention to how I felt about certain situations because I kind of left them alone.  So, it all started with me having to be honest with myself and the being honest with Him.  Which wasn't easy at first, to be honest.

To be a little transparent here, I will say that probably one of the biggest hindrances in my growth as an individual, and on the spiritual level, was my emotions.  We all have those things that are hindrances in our growth.  For me, it was definitely emotional.  Which is so weird, to be coming from someone like me.  Or at least the image that I manage to give off.

Yes, during my evaluation, I have had the opportunity to pinpoint what led to it.  Then it begins the process of clearing everything to being in the right place and where they need to be.  What I am truly excited about is where the Lord is going to take me through it all.  I can't even fathom the magnitude of the end result of this process

I don't know if this post seems to be completely random.. or not complete at all, but I just really wanted to mention it in someway on a general level.  I will probably get into more detail later.

-Quayla

I Don't Deserve It

As I was going through the white gloves and checking out students for the school year, I've begun to reflect and think about the great things that God has done in my life; Just by being a Resident Assistant alone.

Me being a RA at Liberty is a position where I am constantly humbled and reminded of the goodness of my Savior and His willingness to use me despite my imperfections.  I do not, by any means, deserve to be in this position whatsoever.

I've mentioned it to a few people here and there, but while there were a few reasons to contribute to my decision to come to Liberty, becoming an RA was the forefront.  I had the opportunity to hear in High School about how Liberty prepared their students for leadership, especially their RAs.

Growing up, I have been told constantly that I had the ability to be a great leader. Though at the time I didn't really see it, I knew that I needed to fine tune my leadership skills because, somehow, the Lord wanted to use me in a leadership position.  So as I looked at my two options: Liberty and VCU (and up until the last minute, I was strongly considering VCU), I decided that Liberty was the place that I needed to be and that was why.

Again, I will tell you that even though I am now considered a "seasoned" RA and this is a primary reason why I chose Liberty, I still do not deserve the position.  I'm pretty sure there are better qualified people for this job.


While I believe that God placed me into this position to impact others for His glory, He has placed me into this position to work and develop me.

 If I ever come across a time where I feel as though I do deserve it, you should just punch me in the face, I'll definitely deserve that.

Well, the purpose of this post is to share exactly how the Lord has shaped and molded me to become a better servant of Him, a better person, a better woman, a better leader, and a better follower. I would actually say that I have developed more into the person that God wants me to be in this one year, than I have in the past 21 years of my life.


Well to begin...

I learned that I couldn't do this position with my own strength

The responsibility of being an RA is much different than being one at any other school.  It is unique and it is physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally draining.  There is no possible way that you can do this job without spending the necessary time in the presence of the Lord. Requesting His help in every area. To be honest though, there were some times where I felt as though I had to do so much on my own to make sure everything went right on the hall. Especially when it came to relationship building. While I was able to spend a lot of time in the Fall Semester building relationships with the girls on my hall, I was not able to spend nearly as much time with them in the Spring due to an internship and taking a class where we made a short film.  I've practically been running around all semester. I would get very little sleep and even though I only have two classes in class, I was not on the hall nearly as much as I was last semester.  Then when I was on the hall, I would probably be doing work of some kind. It frustrated me because I felt as though there were so many opportunities that I was missing out on in my girls' lives. But for some reason, those relationships stayed, and I was able to develop better relationships with those I didn't think I would have.  That is not something that I could've done by myself and I was stupid to think that I could.

I learned how to Love. I mean, really love.

The two years prior to becoming an RA, the Lord had worked so much in my life and was able to teach me about the magnitude of His love for me. I had serious self-esteem issues growing up, so the Lord managed to take those two years to overwhelm me with His love.  I didn't know that my understanding of the depth of the love of God would have impacted the way that I poured out my love towards the girls on my hall.  Love is more than just a feeling. Honestly, there were some girls that were on my hall (and even some that were not on my hall) that were just simply difficult to love.  I feel as though I experienced in some regard what it was like to love as a parent.  Some of the girls that I've had interactions with were just tough and it was like they did not want to be loved.  But for some reason, regardless of the issues that I've had with them, I still cared for them and still treated them with respect. I still prayed for them. In turn, I have witnessed where my continual willingness to love each girl on my hall had brought forth fruit and they began to be on the right track.

I learned the magnitude of why it is so important to work towards your character development and having the confidence in knowing what your character is.

I don't think I can express clear enough the importance of character.  As a matter of fact, in the beginning of the school year, we went through an evaluative process with our leadership team and we grasped the concept that "character makes you a leader worth following".  I'm not going to say that I went through this whole year without making character mistakes.  Trust me, I'm not a perfect person.  But I have allowed the Lord to mold my character to being a reflection of Him.

There have been a number of issues where my character was attacked and I had to make the decision on how I was going to respond to it.  One I would say had to deal with the presidential election. While I personally choose not to express my political views, I have been treated badly simply because of the color of my skin. I was not happy, especially because everyone had their assumptions of what I was going to do.  There were so many times where I had the right to respond back to it. I would have had the right to explode and I had the exact words, the facts, you name it, to say that could shut any person up.  I actually never said anything until I was respectfully asked about certain issues and why they were important (if they weren't for me, then for others).  I made an effort to implement the importance of character to my girls.  The night of the election, I spent over an hour talking to my girls and letting them know that regardless of who they voted for, that they needed to be respectful and that Christ was still on the Throne. I don't know if it helped any, but it was an area where I know if I didn't care about my character, I would have been a poor example to not only the girls on my hall, but a poor example of Christ and I definitely would have driven people away from Him.

I learned to communicate better.

It's a shame. I'm a communication studies major that doesn't communicate well.  But I've always been a pretty general, abrupt person. I didn't really enjoy having long conversations with people. Then if I wanted a task done, I would communicate it in a way that I would personally want to hear the instruction.  I honestly did not realize it was that bad until I came home for Fall Break last semester.  I was home for maybe a few hours and my mom goes "hey, this RA thing must be doing something, you're communicating so much better!" ha (Really mom? lol) My parents and I went through so many battles simply because I wouldn't communicate with them in a way that they understood. It led to so much confusion and them thinking that I had so much more issues than what I really had or completely oblivious to the issues that I really did have. Me learning how to communicate better has actually helped not only with my interactions with people overall, but my family as well.

I learned how to gain respect correctly through intentionality and personability.

RAs were required to read Called to Lead over the summer. It pretty much went through the life of Paul and pinpointed attributes that he had that made him such the great leader that we still look towards today. While reading the book, I managed to get an understanding that in order for me to be worthy of being treated with respect, I need to make those who are under my leadership feel as though they are worthy of respect.  This came from building relationships with the girls, developing a track record and them understanding what my stances were. At first, I realized that I came off as a very serious person. I honestly think that the girls were scared of me or something. I was pretty quiet (like usual). Didn't poke much fun.  But then I managed to learn the importance of being personable and intentional.  That was a big jump for me because

- 1. I don't like pushing myself towards people.  If someone doesn't want to hang out with me or makes the effort to be my friend, I don't push it nor worry about it.
- 2. I don't like telling people about personal things in my life.  I'm usually a pretty private person.  Especially when it comes to my emotions, the things that I'm dealing with, etc.

Well, I put my preferences aside and jumped in. There have been so many times where I've told my roommate that I don't usually didn't tell people the stuff that I've told them, but I decided to tell them so that they can understand that I respect trust them and that they can find a way to learn how to trust me. It worked because there would be some nights where I had something exciting to tell a few of the girls and then we'll have something to laugh about.  The process helped developed a relationship.

I learned how to effectively discipline.

I'm the oldest of four kids.  A lot of the times, when I want my siblings to do something, or if they didn't do anything right, I would yell at them. I was very bossy and controlling. Pretty much a "it's my way or the highway" kind of approach.  The thing that I was lacking was the development of relationships. I didn't spend a lot of time with my brother and sisters. I spent most of my time doing what I had to do and then expected them to do things for me when I didn't show them that I cared about them at all.

Becoming an RA allowed me to see that as a leader, discipline is more likely to be accepted when you have established the relationship with them.  I took the time to develop those relationships and when it came to disciplining, I was able to and they received it well (most of the time at least haha).


I developed a respect for my parents

I don't even know where to begin.  I had a very surface level respect for my parents in High School.  I mean, the only reason why I didn't do a lot of crazy things was because I knew my parents would beat me up. However, I managed to sneak my way through attitudes and manipulation, you name it. I would get so mad with my parents and I couldn't wait for the day where I could move out, be on my own and not have to worry about answering to them. I just felt as though all their requests were unreasonable and pointless.  Well, after being an RA for about a month, I had some "come to Jesus" meeting.  I was heavily convicted and was placed in the position where I (in some regard) understood what it was like to be a parent, exactly why they enforced the things that they have, and why they disciplined me.  It wasn't for their own satisfaction or pleasure.  It was because they were looking out for me and foresaw the pattern that I was headed if I kept acting foolish. Once I realized this, and I went home for breaks, I have done so much apologizing. It was like, every little thing I could think of. Ha especially when I started having to pay for gas. =p

I learned to be more transparent with the Lord

I said earlier how I'm usually a very private person. Well, I was even like that when it came to my relationship with the Lord.  When I would pray, I'd often address the situation and go "well, Lord, you know what's going on" and end it with that. Over the summer, the Lord convicted me about it and told me that I didn't trust Him in the way I should have been (calling, career, life path, etc.).  I've written a blog post about it, but I had to become more transparent with the Lord on an emotional level.  This whole year has basically been me and the Lord focused on my emotions.  Trust me, they have been challenged more than ever this year too.  But for some reason, the Lord has managed to be able to reveal more things to me this year about what He has planned for my life in the future.  I had to give up some goals and dreams for it, but I wouldn't have been so willing to do it if it weren't for me taking the time to become transparent with Him.


I learned the importance of keeping the Sabbath

I think if there is any kind of advice that I would give someone about spiritual things at this moment, it would definitely be to keep the Sabbath.  I kid you not, even though we had the most chaos in the Fall Semester than in the Spring, I was not stressed out much at all once I made the decision (after being encouraged by Ana), to keep the Sabbath. It fell off during the Spring semester due to my weekends being filled with either work or filming.  It was one of those things where I had suffered so much from not keeping it. Especially after being informed about keeping it.  It is something that everyone needs to do. I have seen and experienced in my own life where the Lord honors it being kept.



Well, to close, I have to say that the Lord has done so much chiseling in my life.  Not just on the spiritual level. I could still go on (I've clearly ranted enough).  He had used my leaders to pour into my life and has personally poured into my life and taught me so much. But among all these things, I am truly blessed that He had placed some awesome girls in my life!  They were not only my "students", but managed to become my friends. I don't know what I would have done this year or where I would have been without them.  I probabl y would not have been able to write this blog.  I know that it is the responsibility of the RA to impact the lives of the girls on their halls, but I feel at this moment that they have impacted mine even more. I love these girls dearly and I am truly excited about hearing how the Lord is working in their lives over the Summer! =)

-Quayla

Digging Deeper

There is so much that I could say.. so many unfinished blogs that I need to complete.

I'm getting closer to the point where the Lord is leading me to share my testimony.  I know that the timing isn't just yet.

I'm getting closer to the point of knowing what my calling is... it's just not yet.

I'm just not really sure why, but lately, I have been swarmed with so much information that is opening the door to allowing me to have a new and deeper understanding of the Lord and His sovereignty. Again, I am finding myself humbled and overwhelmed by the fact that God loves me so much and is entrusting me with all this information that so many people miss.

The information that I have been learning.. is convicting. It's offensive. But, it's... constructive. It's the kind of information where I need to remove all fear to express and share it. It's something where I know this summer, I will have to and want to spend countless hours researching and engaging into the Word for what it really is.

I think however, that this is what the Lord has been preparing me for.  For me to question so much and then bring people into my life that is answering every single question.. backed up through scripture. That is what amazes me more than anything. I'm at the place where I am receptive to learning everything there is to learn. Correctly.

It's a time where I think all of us should sit back and truly examine the Word of God for ourselves. Start over from scratch. Forget what we were "taught" and just dig deeper for ourselves.  So many questions would be answered and so much deception would be done away with.

I know that this blog is pretty short.. But I wanted to at least share just a little sneak peak of what is going to come on the blog in the future.

I Gave It Up

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ"

"The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I’m tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him"

"At one time all these things were important to me. But because of Christ, I decided that they are worth nothing. Not only these things, but now I think that all things are worth nothing compared with the greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. Because of Christ, I lost all these things, and now I know that they are all worthless trash. All I want now is Christ."

Philippians 3:7-8 (I provided three different versions)

I'm sitting here writing this note and my body is in chills. 

This semester, my RA partner and I are taking our leadership team, and hall through Philippians 3.  We're breaking it down verse by verse and digging deep into how to actually apply it to our personal lives. Not just looking at the verse and being like "oh, yeah, I know about that!"  But really taking the time to examine our lives and allowing the Lord the work.

The week that we went through verses 7-8, my team had a discussion about Paul.  How his life was seemingly something you'd think was worth bragging about.  In earlier verses of the chapter, Paul expressed how he had the "right" to have confidence in himself. "I was circumcised when I was eight days old. I am a pure-blooded citizen of Israel and a member of the tribe of Benjamin—a real Hebrew if there ever was one! I was a member of the Pharisees, who demand the strictest obedience to the Jewish law.  I was so zealous that I harshly persecuted the church. And as for righteousness, I obeyed the law without fault things that we surrendered to God." (5-6).  If you're not familiar with what this meant historically, this was a BIG deal. Again, Paul had the right to be proud.

But then Paul gets to verse 7 and 8 and he's like, "yeah, that's pointless. No big deal." I kid you not, the Philippians had to have been like, "You idiot! That IS A BIG DEAL." When it came to application, we talked about what were areas in our lives that were a big deal for us and how have we allowed our relationship with the Lord to take priority over that specific thing (if I'm explaining it clear enough).  I shared briefly about the areas in my life where I have done it and where it has brought me. But since then, the Lord has expounded so much deeper.

I want to let you know where this is headed...

While I could go into detail about every little thing that I'm involved in and am known by, I'll stick to one area because it has been the most important part of my life. Everyone who knows me knows that I am a HUGE sports fan. I'm naturally a soft spoken person, but when it comes to sports, I'm yelling, screaming, you name it. It gets pretty embarrassing sometimes.  Especially when I read sport news and make a comment about it to a girl on my hall.  They're clueless! Sports also make me more emotional than a guy could.

I've grown up playing basketball and was the stereotypical female basketball player.. tomboy with the cornrows. My parents spent thousands of dollars for me to play and pursue my dream of one day playing college ball and eventually play in the WNBA.  I love the game and everything about it.  But I also heavily enjoy football and have developed a new love for baseball and hockey. Growing up though, basketball was my life. Everything seemed to have gone in the right direction too.

But I went through a stumbling block..  I've told people the general idea about it, but not very many people heavily know the details.  I tore my ACL in the 8th grade. While tearing your ACL is pretty common and is usually only a temporary set back, mine was different.  I went to the ER the day after tearing it and was told that I only sprained my knee and my hamstrings were probably weak and I needed to strengthen it. I was told that I would be fine in about 3-4 weeks.  About five weeks passed and I started playing basketball again.  My knee was weak and would give out some, but I thought it was strictly due to my hamstrings being "weak". I strengthened it during the offseason.  Long story short, I played my entire Freshman year of HS with a torn ACL. That one year has caused problems to where now, I currently do not have a medial meniscus in my right knee and have been told by my doctor that I currently have arthritis. 

Basketball was my identity. 

Growing up, everyone knew that basketball was my thing. I would say that my HS freshman year was my prime.  I have been able to hold my own defensively against seniors who have committed to D1 schools. I foresaw that I would continue to improve and by the time I hit my senior year, I would have schools flocking for me.  Looking back, I noticed that basketball, sports in general was my idol.  It was what I served. When I had to physically give it up, I didn't know what to do since it was my identity. I played my junior year, but I decided that I wasn't going to play my senior year due to a second surgery to remove my meniscus. I could've played, but I realized that it wouldn't have been very smart.  At the start of my senior year, I had been contacted by two schools to come for recruiting, and to come to my games.  Having to type that e-mail stating that I wasn't going to be playing basketball in my senior year because of a pre-existing injury crushed me.  It was hard.  

At that moment, I decided that I was definitely going to give up sports when the time came for me to. I started to make adjustments to take interests in other things besides sports, including photography.  I graduated and enrolled into Liberty as a journalism major. I had my life planned out to how I wanted it done. But for some reason, I knew it wasn't what God wanted me to do.  In my freshman year at LU, I would often be asked "what do you want to do with journalism?" My response: "Well, I want to do sports, but I don't think that's what God wants me to do, so I'm just waiting."  

I decided to get the wise idea of asking the Lord to work on my patience and my obedience. I am the BIGGEST planner.  While I'm flexible with spontaneity and could deal with it, I don't like it.  I have planned my entire four year course plans in my freshman year. But when I asked the Lord to reveal to me what He wants me to do with my life, He literally made sure that I learned to be patient. He told me where I was going to go to college later than when I wanted to know. He even told me to change my major from Journalism to doubling in Broadcasting and Public Relations at the last possible semester. I have to admit, it was frustrating.  I constantly used the complaint "God, I don't want to be doing something that I'm not supposed to be doing to help advance Your kingdom! Tell me asap please!?" To this day, I don't know exactly what He wants me to do. He's leading me, and I'm following and I don't care if I look stupid. 

Well, while I was seemingly "waiting" for the Lord to tell me what He wanted me to do with my life, I allowed Him to take control over my desire to pursue sports and told Him that when I needed to give it up, I will. Because of my willingness.. the Lord has managed to keep me involved in sports. My freshman year, I was on the hall with girls on the track team. I wrote for the sports section for a semester with Liberty's newspaper.  I did camera operation for Hockey games. I was a Prayer Leader last year and am now a Resident Assistant for the hall that houses the Women's basketball team. Right now, I have an internship with the Athletics Marketing department.  I utilize my hall theme, which is "Not a Fan" (not being fans of Christ, but completely committed followers of Him), around the idea of my approach towards sports.  Because I was willing to give up sports for so long, the Lord has still somehow managed to use me to minister to others through it. He's using me, and I'm growing.

But as my junior year is beginning to close and as I repeatedly referred back to Phil. 3:7-8, the Lord finally asked.  

"Quayla, are you ready to give it up?" 

At the beginning of February, I had every intention to remain an RA for the Women's basketball team and pretty much knew that I had priority to my request since I was a returning RA.  I wanted to do my Broadcasting internship with the Athletics department. Everything was going to be great for my senior year.  But then the week or two before RA placements were going to be made for the 2013-14 school year, things did not go as expected and the option to move to a different part of campus arose. I have to admit, I was a little reluctant to "definitely" making that decision.  I just told 3 different RDs that I was flexible and I could really go anywhere so that I didn't have to make the decision for myself.  

In the end, I got placed to where I need to be next year. Though it will be a major adjustment for me, I am more than excited about it because I'm doing it because God told me to. I'm doing it because it is an avenue that is bringing me soo much closer to Him. You shouldn't expect to grow in your relationship with the Lord when you're being disobedient.  Even now, as I'm in the process of preparing for a hall theme next year, I've been instructed by Him to not associate it with sports by any means.  

"Quay..... it's time to give it up."

I have had so many clear encounters with the Lord telling me things, but this by far was the most clear.  It's not that I need to remove myself from enjoying sports, it was just time to give up having it as such a large portion of my life.  The interesting thing about it is how it has all started to manifest in very noticeable areas:

Especially as March Madness has started.  Last year, I spent HOURS researching and formulating my bracket.  This year, I spent all of 10 minutes.  Other than attending/working Liberty sporting events, I have not watched a single college basketball game this season. 

Even as I'm looking for my Broadcasting internship, I'm not going to pursue one for sports and I'm perfectly fine with it.

Sports is insignificant. My accomplishments through sports is insignificant.  My love for sports is insignificant.

For something to be so dear to my heart, I never thought it would be this easy. 

I....gave...it..up.