So I Have This Degree....

"I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus"

   - Philippians 3:14

I haven't really had the opportunity to blog nearly as much as I would have liked to over the past couple of years.  What can I say, being a double major and an RA has definitely took precedence over writing blogs.  But considering the fact that the only thing that I have to focus on at the moment is school,  I figured that now would actually be the best time to begin writing. It may be fairly random in some areas, but hey, at least I'm getting something posted! =)

It's been only a few days since I have graduated from Liberty.  I'm not really sure exactly what I was thinking when I decided to pursue two majors for my undergrad. To be honest, I probably wasn't thinking at all because once I decided to add becoming a Resident Assistant into the equation I absolutely had little to no time to do things other than spend time with the girls on my hall or doing my work for my classes.  (Let's just say I probably don't think that much as I also decided to start Grad school two days after graduation)

I came to Liberty not really sure WHAT I was going to be doing with my life.  I had no idea.  I started as a Journalism major.  But over the summer after graduating High School, I was debating between Accounting, Kinesiology,  and Athletic Training. My personality type is wired for Accounting or Engineering, but for some reason, those career fields did not feel right for me. Then somehow I thought I wanted to become a music minor at one point, which was a little weird. I also wanted to be a journalism major all throughout high school, but for some reason when I got to coming into college, I panicked and just wasn't sure about what I should be doing.  When I hit the first semester, I wasn't exactly sure if Journalism was what I should be doing.  When I got to my first semester of sophomore year, I realized that I shouldn't be doing Journalism at all. I switched the next semester. God planned it out well because I had changed to Broadcasting and Public Relations at the last possible moment to provide that I would graduate in four years.  For some reason though, I still did not know what I was supposed to be doing with my life. To be honest, I didn't figure it out until this March.

I have to say that my time at Liberty was definitely more business and ministry minded than pleasure.  I came to Liberty with a completely different mindset than most college Freshmen.  I had a mission due to these reasonings:

• First, no one in my family (on my father's side) had a Bachelor's degree.  If I worked hard, I knew that I was going to be the first. My parents, at my age going into college had me already and had to drop out of school.  My dad was the first in his family to graduate from high school and attend college I believe. I was going to be the first to actually finish. 

• Secondly, because I was homeschooled growing up,  the quality of my intellect was always questioned by my peers.  I was often directly called or it was implied that I was stupid. It would either hurt me so much or make me intensively angry. I always had to defend myself in regards to my education. To this day, when my intellect is challenged, I take it personally and it angers me probably more than anything else (which is interesting because I am usually a fairly calm person). For years, I wanted to prove those people that called me stupid wrong. To be honest, I believe that people calling me stupid fueled me more than anything else to finish my college degree.  It's funny, but true!

• Thirdly, I'm black. I really can go on and on about this. It can go in a combination of humor and seriousness. I have statistics against me. According to the numbers, I was going to get pregnant and have to drop out of school, among other things. I have told a few people throughout the time that I have been at Liberty the seriousness of me breaking a stereotype by being in an educational setting as a black female. We laugh about how mad I would get at the group of black people that would sit in the computer lab like thugs. Literally taking over the whole entire lab, sitting on the desks, etc. But at the same time, it was serious because some of those people still have not graduated yet and they've been at Liberty longer than I have, simply because they didn't take their education seriously. I knew going in that I had to try twice as hard in certain areas than most. I knew that I was often going to be the only black person in my classes. In settings like that, it is as though you are the representation of the whole entire black community.  It was as though all eyes were on me to represent the black community well.  To be honest, it kind of was because if something happened within the black community, I was the person that was asked about it. Because of this I had to make sure I communicated well, I couldn't sit in the back of the classrooms talking and being a distraction.  I couldn't be "ratchet" and loud when it was unnecessary.  I needed to take my work seriously. I needed to get good grades. But at the same time,  I needed to be confident in who I was and who God created me to be. I needed to make sure that I understood history and why things are the way that they were so that I can formally express why perspectives differ from culture to culture. Me being black is not a mistake. I needed to embrace who I was but also set the bar high for others to see that what I have done is indeed attainable.

But alongside all that, I have to say that I made sure that I took advantage of as many things that were offered to me as possible to complete all the goals that I had set for my college career.  During the four years that I've been at Liberty, I have served as a Prayer Leader,  a Resident Assistant,  a secretary for two clubs, eventually a president for one of those clubs, and lead a community service care team. Except for maybe two semesters, I have always had to do 16-17 credit hour semesters to make sure that I was going to graduate on time.  During the Spring Semesters of my Junior and Senior year, I did internships in combination with my capstones for Broadcasting and Public Relations.  So I think it's safe to say that I really had a busy college experience. If I wasn't on my hall doing homework or sleeping, I was usually in a meeting for any one of those things.   

Looking back, sometimes I wonder if I over stretched myself past my capacity. Honestly, I completely don't understand how I naturally still managed to finish my undergraduate career with a 3.56 GPA. It was only by the grace of God. Especially considering the fact that I'm allergic to coffee.  Out of the four years of my college career, I may have only consumed 10 cups of coffee (I discovered at some point that I was slightly allergic to it).

These past four years, as busy as I have been,  I can't say that I have any regrets with how I chose to spend my time. I don't regret making the decision to attend Liberty, although there were those moments when I really did.   I encountered people that represented the school and the Christian community very poorly.  I encountered people that believed differently than I did and made it appear that the way they believed were the only accurate way to believe. This frustrated me when they didn't have accurate proof to state why they believed what they believed.  It was as though we could confine God into one denomination.  I encountered people that made voting Republican mean that it was the Christian thing to do and if you didn't agree with it at all then you were not following under Biblical Principles.  I encountered racial circumstances in various situations. I mean, of course every school is not perfect nor has any absence of situations like these, but it really had to take quite a bit to really not be distracted by them. 

The thing is, I knew God wanted me at Liberty because it was the only place that worked out financially for me. After my first year, I considered transferring to VCU because I didn't like the relationships, or lack thereof that I had developed.  The price difference between the two schools were significant, as Liberty was roughly $30k a year and VCU was going to be $8k.  But with all the the scholarships that I had received from Liberty and the government, it would have been cheaper for me to be at Liberty than it would have been for me to be at VCU.  You'd be an idiot to not see the provision of God in that way.  I figured that I should stay.

But at the end of my four years as I look at everything that I have experienced as a whole, there are so many things that I can take away that I would not want to part with.
The most important thing that the Lord had worked in my life was having me realize the magnitude of His love for me.  Yes, we could say His love for us as a whole, but at the end of the day, if we don't make it personal, understanding His love becomes even more limited.  I learned to appreciate His love for me in the little things like seeing a Granny Smith Apple in the dining hall when I was craving it. Or the fact that He took the time to give someone the very innovative idea to create Ice Cream. I learned to trust in His provision.  I learned to trust Him in the hard decisions.  In the moments where I felt alone.  The moments when I thought everyone and everything were against me.

The moments that I had to spend with the girls on my hall have probably been some of the best experiences of my life. I have been challenged to grow empathetically. Challenged to be more hospitable.  I have been challenged to pray more.  Challenged to read my Bible more and study into the context of what was really being said and why.  I have been challenged to know what I believe and why I believe it. I believe that the Lord has grown me in so many ways that I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have if I chose to spend my college experience being somewhere else or doing something else. I have become part of an amazing community within my RA group and the leadership community that have created an atmosphere of transparency and growth for me.    

I have had the most amazing professors.  There was one professor that I had my Freshman year for English that I really enjoyed having. I waited until this semester to take my next English with the hope that he would get promoted by then, which he did.  Although I sat in a classroom with 100 other students, he made the class feel like there were only 15 of us.  He was really personal, made sure he knew my name and that class was definitely one of the highlights of my weeks.  I had other professors where I specifically chose to take a class that I didn't need just so that I could have him as a professor again. I really enjoyed having him because of his personality and quality of his teaching.  I had professors pray for me personally.  Laugh and joke with me.  Give me their home or cell phone numbers in case I needed anything.  Professors that bought Panera for the class. Professors that took the time to make cookies and dress up like Santa Claus when it wasn't even Christmas time so that we could all sit on his lap and take a picture with him. Professors that looked like Oompa Loompas who made me crave chocolate every time I sat in his class. Professors that were at the top of their field that sacrificed making tons of money so that they could help influence my life. Professors that told me what I needed to hear vs. what I wanted to hear.


Yes, my college experience was different.  I didn't spend all kinds of hours of the night drinking or partying.  I didn't have sex.  I haven't even dated once while I was at Liberty. I didn't get my "ring by spring" or my Masters of Reproductive Sciences Degree (MRS haha) like the stereotypical Liberty Student.  As stupid as that may sound, I'm glad that I didn't. I don't dread not having had a boyfriend in college.  I don't dread not being engaged and getting married like a good majority of my peers are this summer.


To be completely honest,  I wasn't really even nearly as excited as expected at first about graduating.  I already am not a super expressive person emotionally, but other than counting down til when I had it done, I felt as though it was already time to move onto the next better thing. Graduating was just a stepping stone. But to be completely honest, part of the main reason why I wasn't really sure how to express or if I should express excitement was because I wasn't sure how my graduation day would be like without my grandfather being there. I hate really broadcasting about things that upset me, as I haven't really mentioned it to many people. Not even my family.  When my grandfather passed, I was glad that I made the decision to graduate in 4 years instead of 3 because of the fact that I knew it was probably going to be hard to go through that day without him there. I figured that I needed more time to heal. My grandfather had been present for every major accomplishment in my life, so knowing that he wasn't going to be there to witness an accomplishment that no one in his family had done was going to be a difficult reality for me to face.  It was a reality that I didn't want to face.  It hit me more on Friday morning when I had to get up and check-in for graduation. I didn't want to get out of bed. When I got to Saturday and went through the whole day with a combination of exhaustion and excitement, I realized that everything was actually going to be okay.  Regardless of whether my grandfather was there or not, he actually left behind a legacy.  Something that I hope that I will be able to do when my time on this earth is gone. I don't think anything could be more comforting than knowing that I am part of his legacy. But most importantly,  I was reminded more about the love of God than any other moment that day. Something that He had taken four years to show me.  The love of God is my comforter and my strength.  And He was that day.

Although I will be back for one more year to complete my Master's,  I have to say that my time at Liberty has developed me from being a completely senseless girl to an educated woman. Not every encounter has been pleasurable, but at the same time, I have to say that these four years have changed my life more than the previous 18 years. My relationship with the Lord has grown significantly and I have developed amazing relationships with people that have helped me get to where I am today.  I know for a fact that I wouldn't have been able to do it without the help of so many people who have challenged and encouraged me to keep pushing through the tough times and to not be lazy when I wanted to be.  I found out what my passions and calling for my life were.

At some point,  I realized that my goals were not for me, but to be used to glorify the Lord.  Because at the end of the day, if He isn't the influencer of it, everything is in vain. Instead of lashing out at the people or circumstances that tried to discourage me, I let the Lord and my work for Him do the talking for me. I focused on the goal. I focused on the Lord's love for me. Because of that, I did something that the numbers said I would never do.



Liberty,

Thank you for the experience.  And you're welcome for the $120K ;)

-Quayla

I'm just being selfish

I don't think that there is a day that goes by where I'm not thinking about what to do next.  Seriously, in my free time, all I've been doing was applying for jobs.  That's all I can sit and think about.  Where am I going to go? 

For some reason, ever since I was younger, I have ALWAYS wanted to move up North.  Always.  So as I've been looking through places and applying, I have managed to get two interviews up there.  One in New Jersey and one in Pennsylvania.  Both within 15 minutes of each other.  But as I've been sitting here processing everything, I really do not think that moving up north is exactly where I am needed.  This sounds completely crazy because all my life, I've wanted to be up there.  But as the opportunity presents itself, the more unsure I get. 

I become more sure about giving back to the places that have invested into me.  I've always wanted to coach.  I absolutely love mentoring.  It has been something that I have been passionate about for years.  It has been something that I've been doing throughout my entire duration at Liberty.  To be honest, I don't think I want to live my life without doing so.  All of this is crazy because I know that there is that one place that God is calling me to be.  I just need to find it.  Well, at least I thought I needed to find it.

I can't help it sometimes.  I'm a planner.  A BIG planner.  So I just feel as though I should always have a plan.  I mean, that's smart, right?  I've never gone this long in my life without one.  The weird thing is that I know I'm so close to getting there.  SO close. But my selfishness is getting in the way.  Yes, I'm being selfish right now.   I'm being selfish because I don't want to be uncomfortable.  I'm being selfish because I want to have an income so that I can take care of myself.  I'm being selfish because, I'm not thinking about who I can impact, but myself.

One thing I know is that the Lord is calling me to be a leader.  I mean, while there were a lot of reasons why I decided to come to Liberty for my undergrad, one of the main factors in me making the decision to come was because of how Liberty managed to develop leaders.  Because I knew that this was what God was calling me to do, I had to be in a place that had forced me to become one.  I came to Liberty in my Freshman year with the desire to become an RA. 

However, when it comes to being a leader, you just can't live life without leading.  Among the places that I have applied to, they were looking for someone that will be able to lead and manage a team.  As awesome as that is,  I don't think that is necessarily what I should be doing right now.  Yes, the perks are nice.  The promotions are nice.  But is that necessarily my calling?  To lead in the business sense?

I thought about that and I'm pretty sure the answer to it isn't yes.  I mean, maybe it would be yes in a different molding.

When I was younger, I pushed against the idea of working in a ministry.  Coming to college, I didn't want to work with any kind of non profit company or anything of the sort.  Seriously, I got to Liberty and it seemed as though everyone wanted to do that.  I was definitely not for that.  I wanted to work in a field that was very competitive.  I am competitive in nature, so I wanted to literally be stressed out by the end of the day from a long day of work.  That kind of stuff makes me thrive.  Knowing that I've accomplished something in the midst of pressure and stress makes me feel great.   However, as I'm starting to think about where my passions are, working with a non-profit sounds so much more ideal.  The weird thing is that I'm not sure where to look.  It's crazy because things are formulating.

It's crazy because I think the Lord is leading me to look in a different place than I have been before.  The crazier thing is that I'm not really sure where to start.  This is one of those moments where I have to cling to the Lord so much harder than I have before.  Because I know I'm close to figuring it out. I just have to get out of my selfish ways.

This is all so much to take in. But I know everything is going to fall into place

Why I Didn't Know What I was Supposed to be Doing with my Life

It's crazy when I get these little inspirations to write blogs.  So many monumental things have been happening in the past few days and I'm constantly thinking and taking it all in.

I'm graduating in five months. I finished my budget for my last semester of college. I completed my last RA training today. 

I'm going to be a little honest and say that last week, I was absolutely dreading coming back to Liberty early for RA training.  I get frustrated with having to sit in the same spot for hours, listening to things that I "feel" as though I already know.  Or I get mad when a training session would take 45 minutes, when I know that it could be taught within ten minutes.  My pride does that sometimes because I am a very direct person. I deliver things directly and I want things given to me directly or else I'm going to just tune it out and not listen.   It's that simple.  

So Monday morning, I was not very happy about getting up early and heading to training. I had to put on the "positive" attitude face and just "get it over with".   But after the first couple of hours, my whole entire approach towards it changed and I was deeply humbled.  To sum it all up (and I'll go into further details in a bit), it was exactly what I've been needing for the past several weeks, if not months, or years.

One thing that I have been struggling with lately is figuring out what I'm going to do next after graduation. I really don't know if you understand exactly HOW much of a struggle it is because I'm a planner, I have to have everything planned out or else I'm going to panic.  So not having a definite, concrete plan is tough, and I mean TOUGH.  

I think that being a double-major kind of set me up just a tad for the confusion.  I practically have double the options and I'm not sure which one to take.  I get all of these "great ideas".  I've been placed on the "consideration" table for companies to interview me for a job after graduation.  I've considered pursuing photography full time.  I've considered graduate school.  I've wanted to do SO much that I didn't even take the time to FULLY reflect and seek the Lord about exactly what He wanted me to do.  I'd just take an idea and it would sound good at the time and I'll go with it and was convinced at those moments that it was what God wanted me to do.  Then another circumstance may come up and I would doubt that decision and start to make another.  I would go back and forth with my plans for after graduation and I would never even take into consideration of what God actually wanted me to do.  I'd just "accept" the fact that God would reveal it to me when He wanted me to.  I made the excuse for how "He'd probably just tell me the day before graduation".  

But to be completely honest, I haven't placed my trust in Him over the past few months.  I figured that making the decision would be easy for me because I wasn't in a relationship with anyone and since I didn't have other people to factor in regarding where I wanted to go, I was good.  I was just "analytically" coming up with plans on my own so that I can be financial stable once I obtained my diploma.  That was it.  It became so hard because I have the desire and the skill to do so many things.  So if I were to take one option and focus on that, I'll be missing the others.  It became hard and stressful because I wasn't being led by what God wanted me to do.

The very first thing that was addressed in RA training that struck me hard this week was learning the differences between "being" and "doing".  That set the tone immediately because sometimes we tend to make what we "do" be the establishment of our identity.  Instead of allowing our identity influence what we do.  Our "being" is who we are.

Another toe stepper for me was in one of the breakout sessions that we did today. We talked about our strengths and how sometimes, in our sin nature, we seek to use our strengths as a means to influence selfish gain. That breakout session reminded us of the StrengthsQuest survey that I took about 3 years ago.  Every RA needs to take it before submitting their application, but I took it in my Freshman year.  I really only took the test to put into my application, so I never really read into the details that they gave us let alone remembered what my strengths were in case someone asked.  I've always been familiar with some of the strengths that I had, but never knew exactly what my "top 5" were and what they meant.

So I sat here and logged into the account to look at them.  Here they are with a brief description

Achiever

• Great deal of stamina and work hard. Takes great satisfaction from being busy and productive. 

Competition

• Measure their progress against the performance of others. They strive to win first place and revel in contests. 

Analytical

• Search for reasons and causes. They have the ability to think about all the factors that might affect a situation. 

Responsibility

• take psychological ownership of what they say they will do. They are committed to stable values such as honesty and loyalty 

Significance

• Want to be very important in the eyes of others. They are independent and want to be recognized.  

                          As a slight side note to me, one thing that stood out was that I want to associate with people that are       credible, successful, and professional.  If they aren't then I would push them until they are. Or would move on. 

I looked through them an IMMEDIATELY saw the places in my life where I act on these things for my own selfish gain.   For the Achiever trait, although I really enjoy relaxing, if I don't have anything to do, I get frustrated and angry.  I would constantly stress myself out to complete a goal in time. I would stay up all night, I would lose sleep. If I'm not physically working on it, I'm mentally working on it when I'm in bed. I have insomnia because my brain simply does not slow down. 

For competition, I am CONSTANTLY comparing myself with others. I'm super critical about myself and my work and I often doubt myself if I don't think that I can compare to another person with more experience.  To be honest, I thought the experience that I had out of college wasn't enough. I really thought that I wasn't going to get a job out of graduation because of the lack of so called "experience" that I had on my resume. Several of my peers excelled in those areas far more than I thought that I was so I just felt as though I didn't amount up to it. I came to the knowledge of how stupid that was when I actually started applying. I compare myself relationally with others.  I compare myself physically. I compare myself mentally. There are even times where I would compare myself spiritually.  I literally live a life of comparing myself to others in a way that is either feeling inferior or superior to them.

I'm so analytical that I would not take anyone's word for law unless I challenged it.  If I didn't challenge their logic directly, I would definitely do it indirectly.  There are things that I would REFUSE to do because of the fact that it simply did not make sense to me logically.  Another aspect to this is that I would not take risks unless I logically thought it all out.  I would have to think about all the outcomes and if I couldn't justify it by the analysis, then I wasn't doing it.

For responsibility I feel as though I have to be loyal to people that I know I shouldn't be.  Just because they have done something for me in the past, I should be obligated to be there for them whenever they needed.  Even IF it meant that I needed to be treated like crap for quite a while.  

Then lastly, there's Significance. I feel as though this one goes in so many different depths.  But the biggest thing is definitely my associations.  I hate being around people that don't live up to their potential.  But every so often, I have a few friends here and there that I'm constantly nagging and nagging until they can reach it.  I don't even care how my delivery is, I'm going to push them until it gets that way.   Another area is that I FEAR rejection.  Seriously, I am TERRIFIED of it.  This has come into affect with expressing my emotions and feelings toward situations or people. I feel as though I have to keep my emotions to myself so that I'm not vulnerable.  So that they won't be rejected. If I sense any ounce of possible rejection, then I'm not going to go with it.

But at the same time I have seen where these strengths are absolutely AMAZING when I take the time to operate in the ways of the Lord and not thinking about myself. I have to remind myself that these strengths are a gift of God.  I didn't just develop them on my own. God decided that He was going to give these to me because of the calling that He had for me. When I decide to allow my identity to be a reflection of Him instead of trying to be "Quayla", I can allow His calling to take root into my life and the lives of others.  Because, lets just tell the truth, I'm not all that great to begin with.  So I really have no reason to try to enforce my own identity. 

So with this brief detour, the one thing that has been stuck in my mind for the past few weeks is the word "passion".  I didn't necessarily know why.  It was just in my head and I was constantly thinking about that statement I heard in Convocation several months ago about "finding your sweet spot". Like a combination of what you're passionate about and what you're good at.  That midpoint and that's your spot.  But that just made everything so vague because I'm inherently good at more than one thing.  

What I asked myself constantly over the past few weeks was simply, "what am I passionate about?" I never took the time to answer that.  But when I sat through the strengths breakout session, I was able to learn about it so much more. To pinpoint it in a way that I never exactly thought I could.  

Regardless of where I'm supposed to go and what I'm supposed to do with my life after I graduate, it all comes down to a Passionate Mission.  Whether it's in the "secular" environment or if I'm working for a church ministry or wherever.   But figuring out your passionate mission would all come down to asking yourself these four questions:

What do I believe?
Where do I see brokenness?
Who am I sent to?
What will I do?

Those four questions automatically had something click for me. There are things that I believe, the brokenness that I am more prone to see that literally MOST people do not.  I have already been sent and drawn to a certain group of people. Seriously, today, it clicked. While I'm still putting details together, I think that it finally made sense with what I'm supposed to be doing long term   Literally, after spending almost 4 years debating about what I'm going to be doing after May 2014 it has never seemed to be anymore clear than what it does now.  

I know this is a lot to take in for one post, but as I'm ending this, I really came to a place these week where the Lord TORE me apart.  I don't even know how to fully explain it in every single detail.  But to think that the reason why I didn't know what I was going to do with my life is because I was focusing on things other than what the Lord was calling me to do.  I didn't invest the time that I should have asking Him to reveal it to me.  Because all it takes is to getting out of your pride and listening.  Because He does speak.

-Quayla

I'm Just Tired of Technology

This is a weird thing to say right about now.

I've been sitting at my computer literally all day for the past two days.  I haven't had time to really relax since I've been home.  As soon as I got in, I did a portrait session for a family, edited those pictures, a portion of a model casting and the last bit of the second wedding that I had shot in September.  Once I got all of those completed, I had helped my parents with some work literally most of the other days.  So it took me until yesterday (Wednesday) to finally have the opportunity to just sit and gather myself.

I tend to say this pretty often when I make an excuse for my need to relax, but I am very much introverted.  I enjoy the company of people in moderation, I prefer close friends and family so that I can have genuine conversations, but after a long day, weeks, and semester of being surrounded by people all day every day, I really just need to find that time to relax and get myself together.  I really enjoy spending time by myself too.

Usually, it would take me about a week to gather myself.  But this time, it only took me a day and a half.  After being so busy this semester, sitting around for 2 days doing nothing is pulling my hair out.  I'm literally telling myself how I HAVE to do something.  How I HAVE to find something to do because I just CANNOT sit here any longer doing the same thing over and over.

However, I find myself wanting to do something that doesn't involve technology.  All semester, I have literally done all of my homework with my computer.  My major requires me to use my computer so it is literally on nonstop.  The only time it is off is when I'm sleeping.  For probably the 6 hours of the night, IF that.  My phone is always near me.  When I'm at school, people are constantly texting or calling me.  I am constantly responding to e-mails.  It's neverending. So sitting here for the past two days playing video games, or watching a movie, yes is refreshing, but I want to do something away from technology for a change because I am so submersed in it as a broadcasting and public relations major.

So, my solution to this is to actually go outside.  I'm going to do a few projects this break.  Session with my sister and hopefully my brother, maybe working on a music video so I have something to edit.  I'm supposed to be working but that's becoming a bit complicated at the moment,  so I just need to use the resources that I have.  Then I will definitely be reading this break.

I really am tired of the technological aspects of life.  I think I really want to try the 24 hour challenge of not using technology for a day.  I think it'll be very refreshing for a change.

Well, this is just some random thought that I had.  Nothing super profound.

-Quayla

The Continuation of Doubt

I'm not really sure why I come to those moments where I continue to doubt myself.  Doubt the progress that I've made.  I often try to convince myself that what I've accomplished in the past few years just simply isn't enough.  I focus on what I don't have instead of what I actually do have.  I focus on what I want, instead of what I need.  Overall, there are just those moments when I see things that aren't necessarily reality.

So, why am I writing this exactly?  Why am I sharing this part of my life in writing?

I just wanted to express my thoughts.

What I've been battling with back and forth for the past few weeks is figuring out if I have enough skill to actually get a job after graduation.  I've asked myself, "Do I have what it takes?"  "Is my resume good enough?" "Where am I going to go?" "Will I be looking for a job for a really long time?"   It's just crazy because when I start to doubt myself, the Lord sometimes always brings me back to see the real picture.  He allows me to see things for what they really are instead of allowing myself to pull back because of fear.  I spent quite a bit of time a few days ago looking at jobs, sending my resume to a few places.  The crazy thing about it all is the fact that I actually got a call back from three of the places that I applied.  My resume applied to be considered for an interview.  When I had talked to them about it, one of them was still wanting me to come in for an interview for a Winter position and the other two will be keeping my resume on file for when it gets closer to graduation.  I mean, it's probably not a BIG thing, but the fact that I am being considered for a position in my degree field with my resume, that isn't even complete, encouraged me a bit.  It is just exciting to me of all the possibilities that could happen when graduation gets closer.

I'm still planning to do grad school and hope to find something in Lynchburg for the duration of those two years, but the plus about Liberty is that with it being online,  I could work anywhere.  So during the break, I will 1. be working on my grad school application as well as my GSA application.  The deadline for it is May 1.  So I'm going to probably give myself until around Mid-April to find a job.  If I don't find anything, then I will apply for GSA. That will be my last resort, because I would like to earn more money in comparison to what the GSA position has to offer. So that is all up in the air.

But even though I tend to panic because I don't think that I have enough to offer, God definitely reminds me of the gifts that He has given me.  He has also reminded me that I can't do anything without His guidance.  So it has been pretty cool to see how everything is coming about.

Well, this was a pretty short post.  It was just something that I wanted to briefly touch on.

-Quayla

My life lately

I've never really been one of those people that would post a completely heartfelt, emotional, transparent blog post.  To be honest, even though my plans for this post is to be just that,  I really don't even know or think I would go into something that deep.

I'm usually a person that is pretty level headed emotionally.  Even when I have some issues that I have to deal with, I've always been able to kind of leave it as that and go about my day to day routines without having them affecting me.  However, as things have gotten to reaching deadlines and have a large amount of things pulling at me, I just had to work so much harder to tackle them and continue to do what I needed to do.  To make the decisions that I needed to make with accuracy and clarity.  Things have gotten overwhelming and stressful and I literally had no idea how I was going to continue on with things.  Everything was just crazy.

To be honest though, there were those days that because of my stress levels, I began to devalue and degrade myself with my words.

• I'm a horrible person
• I'm ugly
• I'm a failure
• I have NO idea what in the world I'm going to do with my life.  How could I be 21 years old and not know?
• I'm going to be graduating in a matter of months and I have no idea what to do next
• I should quit school
• I'm single with no prospects; no one would even want me.  Why would someone be stupid enough to even want a relationship with me?
• I'm going to die alone
• What is wrong with me?
• Why couldn't I just have decided to be that person that made all kind of stupid mistakes?
• Can I just do anything wrong, once in my life and be okay?

The interesting thing is that a majority of the things that I began to think about and tell myself really had absolutely nothing to do with me being stressed or overwhelmed with my work.  It was just an area of my life where I allowed the devil to talk to me and tell me things that weren't even true. To be honest, those things are stupid for me to even think.

It's interesting because being at Liberty, I am so submersed in a place where getting a college degree came with an engagement ring and/or a husband (I've wondered a few times if I would be that 30 year old woman with a nice job but was single). I am in a place where so many people already know exactly what God has called them to do before they stepped foot into the first class of their college career.  I am in a place where people have lived lives prior full of their submission to a lifestyle and ultimately turned out to be okay and currently on fire for the Lord.

These are things that I have had to deal with throughout my time here.  And at the moment, I am none of those people.  I've never dated anyone while I was in college.  As a matter of fact, I've never been on a date period.  I was in an exclusive relationship once in high school, but it never really went past the whole aspect of "talking frequently" and just "claiming" that particular person as my boyfriend. So basically for most of my life, I've been single.

I've never really had much of a past.  Yeah there were some things that I have done that I would definitely go back and change.  However, I don't have that past or that "testimony" that everyone seems to have.  I wasn't a partier, or drinker, or sex addict.  I wasn't abused or molested.  I wasn't neglected as a child.  I had parents that loved and cared about me. Who had sacrificed so much for me.  I've wondered what it would have been like if I actually decided to "have fun" like the rest of my peers did in college.  Instead of being a studious person as well as going to a Christian school.

I've never known what God wanted me to do when I stepped in my first class on the first day of college.  The only thing I knew was what He didn't want me to do (AWESOME! =\).  I had no clear path set.  It was frustrating.

Although some of these things were frustrating to me, well all of them were frustrating to me at some point or another,  I was never truly affected by it when I got to college.  I had made the decision to not date in college.  When I got to my sophomore year, I already determined that I really was not going to be with anyone worthwhile there.  Yes, while I didn't understand why I made that decision at first (and to be honest I know that God had done things in my life encounters to ensure that I wouldn't compromise in that decision), I came to the realization that my senior year was the very reason why I was single.  While it is a really long story for me to share,  I do firmly believe that God specifically made me single for the very season that I am in right now.  Which heavily explains why I have experienced so much more opposition and attacks from the enemy in the places in my life where I appeared to be more vulnerable.

I knew that God was teaching me how to be patient and trust Him throughout my journey.  While I really wanted to have a clear path, God had never left me in the dark confused and unsure about the directions that I needed to take.  He has always proven Himself faithful and had revealed to me what I needed to do at the appointed times.  It is crazy because as I'm sitting here taking the next course of action in my life,  I feel as though God had clearly told me exactly what I needed to do in a further span of time than what He has told me throughout my entire time at Liberty.  I have a plan for next semester, a plan for the next two years.  Then a plan beyond that.  The crazy thing about it all, is that for the first time, it was something that I fully believe that the Lord had revealed to me to do.  While I don't know exactly every single solitary detail of each even and how I'm going to get there, I somehow know that this season that I will be entering in my life would be very fruitful.  And I don't know if I will ever be able to fully comprehend the magnitude of it all.

Even though I don't think it is some days, I know that God had preserved my life for a time as this. Even though I haven't experienced things in the way that other people that I know have, for some reason, He was able to still use me to minister to others that have gone through things I haven't.  He has somehow allowed me vulnerability with others and my openness to hear and develop relationships with them to be good enough.  I know it's not me. At all.  The craziest thing about it is how in my quiet times today, I came across Galatians 6:9-10

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."

To be honest, I'm sure that I have come across this verse dozens of times and never had it really impacted me in the way that it has tonight.  It is hard some days to not give into temptation.  Especially at the age that I am.  Where the people that I have grown up with are doing things that don't line up with the way that we've been taught.  Where people give into their temptations and do things as though it doesn't affect other people.  My generation is a generation that only thinks about the present instead of the future.  Even though I do feel alone most days, I know that I will reap a harvest and be rewarded for not giving into the temptations that fly in my path.


I know this was super long, and I feel as though I should maybe stop here.  I'm really excited about what the Lord has for me within the next few years and even within the next few months.  I know it's great and I can't wait (well, I can ha)!

-Quayla

Making it through the final stretch-Update

Seriously,

I am reaching the 8 week mark of my Final Semester and I'm sitting here thinking about how fast it has gone.. and how fast the Spring Semester will get here.  How fast graduation will get here.  How fast it'll be when I have to begin working for the rest of my life.

It's crazy because as I'm sitting here thinking about all the things that are coming up,  it gets a little challenging to figure out what I'm supposed to do next and where I'm supposed to be going.

At first, I've wanted to go to grad school.  It seems to be the smartest "move" on paper because I can practically get an education for free.  But at the same time, I sit there thinking about exactly how smart of an idea would that be.  Do I want to continue on with schooling for two additional years?  Or do I want to just go out into the work force.  I know that going into Public Relations is relatively easier to do versus any other field.  The growth and demand of it is rapid and I just feel as though the sooner I can get to work, the better.  The more money I can make would be the better.  As of late,  I felt as though I should stay home and save money while I work.  But on the other hand, I'm kind of on the fence and I'm not sure whether I should just go out and be on my own.  If I should move somewhere outside of Richmond.  If so, where?

It's a matter of not being sure where God wants to place me. Even though I'm not panicking, it becomes really hard to not know what I'm supposed to be doing next and where I'm supposed to be doing it.  But at the same time, I'm perfectly okay with it.

It is hard to believe that in less than a year, this is what I will be doing.

The thing about my academics is that I have been being less and less motivated to doing my work.  I don't want to even think about what I'm supposed to be doing.  I am doing hw constantly and it's bugging me! ha.  But I'm kind of glad that my Philosophy class is almost done.  After that, I will only have to worry about Theology, which isn't NEARLY as time consuming and so much easier.  Then I'll have to begin working on my campaigns for class and other things.

Well, this is just a very random update on my life right now..